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1.) Swamp Fox - 10/03/2020
Furnish the details bit by bit, leaving the next man room to add some detail, color commentary, and advance the story. Wait for someone else to reply before advancing the tale beyond where you left it, unless it needs a goose or you come up with some brilliant afterthought, LOL

Pass the story.

I'll begin:



[B][I]Luv2's Deer Hunt, 2020[/I][/B]



Luv2 is already up as I write this at 4 AM, since he went to bed at six last night and got up at 2:30. He had his ebike already racked and all his gear previously packed in the red Miata, so all he had to do was shower, brush his tooth with baking soda (no odor) and kiss the wife goodbye. (Not permanently, he hoped, but I have no insight into her own feelings.)

Also, he did put some clothes on.

Then began the half-hour drive to the Waffle House nearest the hunting area, since he'd seen on outdoor TV that that's how what he calls "the goobers down South" do it, and you canít argue with success.

(Actually, you could argue with it, since going to the Waffle House before the hunt in your camo is not a bowhunting or even a rifle-hunting thing, but more of a bird/duck/turkey/bear/deer-driving thing, at least since about the mid-1980's or thereabouts, but Luv2 never really believed in obsessing about all that scent-control crap anyway, preferring to ... )



[I][I'm passing the story along to the next man: Go ... LOL.... Continue from "preferring to ..."] [/I]
2.) bluecat - 10/03/2020
"Be wary wary qwiet". That tip he remembered from his youth made quite an impression on young Luv2. He didn't buy into the camo bit either, often preferring to wear his red plaid wool handed down by his grandfather and stored in the root cellar. As he drove to the Waffle House he kept imagining that giant stack of pancakes with Boysenberry syrup just waiting for him - maybe a large order of hash browns and some breakfast sausage. He would need a lot of fuel to navigate that tough Pennsylvania terrain.

As he was imagining the breakfast ahead he drifted over the center line before correcting himself. Too late though, he could see the blue lights come on and light up his whole dashboard.

"Dammit to Hell", he yelled to himself. "This is just perfect", muttering this time.

"License and registration please."

Luv2 motioned at his pack in the backseat amidst a pile of tootsie roll wrappers and said...
3.) Swamp Fox - 10/04/2020
"It's in there somewhere, Ossifer..."

And that's when the trouble began.

"Ossifer?" queried the patrolman, suddenly excited that he might have caught a live one, considering that fifteen minutes before he'd been asleep behind the billboard for Dixie Stars, the infamous Gettysburg strip club well-known for Southern girls who would sell out their nation for a ride in a Hummer and a bottle of French-sounding champagne.

Some would even give it up as cheap as a promise of an appearance in a rap-country video that mentioned a tractor or a corn field.

"Have you been drinking?"

"Only hard cider," replied Luv2, knowing where this was headed. "I'm Pennsylvania Dutch."

"Well, alrighty, then," replied the ossifer. "I'm from Ohio myself, but my mother was from Wisconsin."

"I wish you a speedy recovery," said Luv2 with a kindly Germanic smile, and the ossifer tipped his hat and they both smiled at each other again and then Luv2 redlined the Miata, slingin' gravel and puttin' a ton of dust in the air ....

"There goes a deer hunter I'd like to meet again," said the ossifer to himself enigmatically, and he made a little note on his pad.


[url]https://youtu.be/952h-AJ3Bcg[/url]
4.) Swamp Fox - 10/04/2020
Meanwhile, business was picking up at the Waffle House as Luv2 sped toward it, slightly behind schedule now.

Various characters from around the Northeast had all decided to converge on the lonely, rugged Pennsylvania mountains that Luv2 had targeted as prime hunting ground, as long as they were within two hours of a major city.

Would they come into conflict? Would there be drama about guys hunting too close, or stolen treestands?

It was too early to tell.

One old-timer who went by the name of Alex asked the waitress if she had any prune juice, and when she laughed and asked him where he was from he knew it was going to be a long day.

She recommended the Bert's chili instead, and he took her up on the offer. ...
5.) Swamp Fox - 10/04/2020
The Waffle House was a bright shining beacon in the dark on the side of the highway as Luv2 pulled in like a bat out of hell, and authoritatively pulled the parking brake on the red Miata.

Unwinding from the low, small seat like a cobra, Luv2 hit the keyfob to lock the doors behind him (a wise move, considering the location in the Pennsylvania backwoods) and sauntered in to the Waffle House as he had seen Michael Waddell do it on video--- although maybe it was one of the Drury brothers, now that he thought about it.

In the bright glare, which was about what he expected from watching TV and also having friends who had been in actual Waffle Houses, the waitress greeted him.

"Hi, hon!"

And all of a sudden, all Luv2 could think about was his old high school girlfriend who ...
6.) bluecat - 10/05/2020
changed teams after their senior year. It wasn't a complete surprise to Luv2 when he found out as there were some telltale clues that didn't make sense at the time - she butched her hair short, dyed it blue, sported a long silver retractable key chain on her baggy Levis and listened to a lot of Melissa Etheridge. Luv2 listened to those eight tracks for years during the healing process until his mom finally sold them at the neighborhood garage sale in a box labeled "Misc Crap".

But that seemed like a lifetime ago and Luv2 was still envisioning that stack of pancakes.

"What can I get ya hon?" queried the mostly overweight middle-aged waitress with "Madge" emblazoned on her stained lime-green apron.

"I need a stack", motioning with his hands the size of the stack he hoped he'd get,
"hashbrowns and some sausage (pausing slightly) and put some 'quick' on it to if you don't mind. I'm headed to kill me a biggun."

"Coming up slim and by the way, there hasn't been a decent deer killed in them mountains for 25 years", she chortled as she walked away stuffing a knobby pencil behind her ear.

Luv2 sank low in his booth, slightly dejected and clutching his phone. He revisited the pics of his lifetime buck he lucked into years before. He went through his mental rolodex in preparation for the hunt - air up fatty, check - walkback tune his Bear Whitetail bow he'd gotten as a Christmas present when he was 14, check - jumbo bag of tootsie rolls, check - a slightly used autographed field manual entitled "How to Field Dress a Whitetail Deer" written by the Drury brothers, check. Luv2 was lost in memory remembering when the Drury brothers signed his copy with "Go Get'em Champ". He'd waited three hours in line at the Harrisburg convention center that one cold January day. A day he'll never forget.

Then it hit him like a massive dilapidated Department of Roads dumptruck. How could he have forgotten...
7.) crookedeye - 10/05/2020
i sure hope he shoots one
8.) crookedeye - 10/05/2020
out of his tree saddle
9.) Swamp Fox - 10/06/2020
[QUOTE=bluecat;61996]
...Then it hit him like a massive dilapidated Department of Roads dumptruck. How could he have forgotten...[/QUOTE]

to call DParker to see which cellular phone plan best supported instant trail cam picture transmission to his email, and would also tell him if he'd closed the garage door or left it wide open. Now he was also worried about the burner on the stove, where he had heated up some scrapple before leaving the house.

"Oh, well," he thought. "Wifey's there and can deal with any intruders or medium-sized house fires the same as she's dealt with me for 47 years ... I've probably been good practice for necessary violence and unexpected calamity."


While he was waiting for his pancakes, he dialed DParker's number. He'd gotten it from the internet while covert-sleuthing the on-line postings of HuntingCountry forum members on other websites. Some of the websites were hunting-related, while others were ... um ...not. He knew some of these numbers would come in handy some day, if only for blackmail. His dream remained to hack HuntingCountry, sow chaos, and then hijack the entire internet, but so far he'd only gotten so far as the chaos part.

In the meantime it would be good to learn from other members about how to hunt.

The phone rang and rang. Luv2 was vaguely aware that it was supposedly only something like 3 in the morning in Dallas, but he didn't really know how that all worked and figured it was some kind of Southern scam he wan't going to fall for anyway.

Finally, a groggy voice picked up on the other end, and said ...
10.) Swamp Fox - 10/06/2020
[B][Editor's note: You can give other characters lines and actions, but you can't insert yourself into the story or "work" your own character. If you're going to get in the story, it will be because someone else put you in there and gave you life. What you say and do is completely up to others. :wink So be gentle ....or not .... LOL ] [/B]
11.) crookedeye - 10/06/2020
before he left i sure hope he shut the stove off
12.) crookedeye - 10/06/2020
after getting my house broken into a couple time i almost forget to set my boobie traps...by the way the kid got 5 to 10 years
13.) bluecat - 10/06/2020
[QUOTE=crookedeye;62025]after getting my house broken into a couple time i almost forget to set my boobie traps...by the way the kid got 5 to 10 years[/QUOTE]

So, he'll be out in two months.
14.) bluecat - 10/06/2020
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;62022]

Finally, a groggy voice picked up on the other end, and said ...[/QUOTE]

"This better be good."

"DP, it's Luv2!" [excitedly]

"Love who?"

"Luv2!" [emphatically]

The sound of the 'click' was all Luv2 heard.

"Will that be all for you sweetie?", the waitress interupted.

"If I could get the check, a bran muffin and my thermos filled, I'll be on my way."

"Sure enough!", Madge responded and scurried off with Luv2's treasured Batman thermos. She eyed the thermos and mumbled something about only the weird ones come here as she made her way to the coffee station. Luv2 had eaten a lot of sweet cereal during his junior year to gather enough box tops to purchase that thermos. It went with him on every hunt and date.

Luv2 was so excited about the upcoming hunt. Would he see a big spike and miss like he did last year or would he get the chance to shoot at a spotted fawn? He was trembling with anticipation.

Just then Madge came back with his thermos and bran muffin.

"Good luck to you slim."

"Thanks Madge", Luv2 responded while pulling out a crisp clean 1.00 bill for the tip, making sure Madge saw him lay it on the syrup soaked platter.

Luv2 made his way through the parking lot and past the half-drunk kids coming in from their parties to the red Miata. He couldn't find it at first as it was hidden between two 4-wheel drive pickups. After a couple of tense moments and a lap around the parking lot he located her. She's been a good hunting rig Luv2 thought.

He shoehorned himself behind the wheel, set the thermos between his legs and layed the leathery brown bran muffin on top of the Outdoor Life magazines he'd brought to read on stand. He continued to stuff himself and chug coffee for the remainder of the trip. He still had about an hour of windshield time to go before he arrived at the wildlife management area he'd found on the map last week and circled with crayon - plenty of time to talk dirty to the scantily clad dashboard hula girl and reminisce about his exciting life of filling potholes and moving gravel. Everyone should be as lucky as me he mused.

One memory that surfaced was the time that Luv2...
15.) Swamp Fox - 10/07/2020
hit a big four-pointer on the Pennsylvania Turnpike coming back from a party hosted by his best buddy Jon, who lived in Delaware but killed some pretty good deer anyway.

No one else in Pa. would have gotten that deer, he surmised, and Luv2 chalked it up to the Pete Rickard's Indian Buck Lure he added to the Miata's gas tank at every fill-up. He even made a big show of it whenever he gassed up in New Jersey, where the gubmint could tell you you can't pump your own gas, but they damn sure couldn't tell you can't put deer piss in it after the pump jockey is done.

Hell, he'd gotten half the trophy bucks on the wall in his wife's sewing room that way...

As the miles rolled away, Luv2 became lost deep in thought. But as he had always explained to people who came up to him at such times---including state troopers, the highway patrol and social workers from the Salvation Army-- he was just "turned around." The last time it had happened was at the Cabela's in Hamburg, where he'd been disappointed in the lack of any half-way decent schnitzel, but had enjoyed the big tin drums of caramel popcorn, and a big fat Dutch gal passed around the breadium. :wink

"Good times, good times," he thought...

It was then that his Jitterbug cellular telephone rang and ...
16.) luv2bowhunt - 10/07/2020
Well I guess this is better than watching the political ads, gives you something to do and such.
17.) luv2bowhunt - 10/07/2020
I saw a shooter my first sit in the saddle. I got to do a better job of adjusting that thing at the waistline with the extra clothes on. A good first sit all in all, but I picked a stupid leaning tree and didn't get the platform situated very well.
18.) luv2bowhunt - 10/07/2020
I'll bet Mark Drury couldn't even figure out how to put a saddle on.
19.) bluecat - 10/07/2020
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;62030]

It was then that his Jitterbug cellular telephone rang and ...[/QUOTE]

"How'd you get my number?"

[pause] "Um, I got it from Swampy", Luv2 said cautiously.

"Don't ever call again!", DP screamed.

"Click"

"Well you don't have to worry about that.", mumbled Luv2 sarcastically.

Luv2 turned his attention to the officer approaching his recently paid off Miata. This was his second encounter with the Highway Patrol in 2 hours.

"Just a little turned around officer", Luv2 sheepishly managed as he was cranking down the stubborn window.

"Is that why you were circling Walmart for 15 minutes?"

"I'm heading out hunting, (pausing) I'm a bowhunter".

"There hasn't been a decent deer killed in them mountains in 25 years", the officer proudly stated.

Luv2 had had enough of this, he reached into his pocket to grab his phone that was already displaying the buck he'd lucked into years ago.

"Don't reach!" shouted the officer, and drew down on Luv2.

Luv2 could see the red laser dot dance around his midsection.

"Just want to show you my buck sir." Luv2 countered while thrusting both hands in the air.

The officer holstered his duty weapon and eased his taser out of its holster.

"Nice and easy buddy.", the officer cooed while drumming his fingers across the trigger.

"These things hurt as bad coming out as going in.", the officer continued.

Now Luv2 was no stranger to the law. He'd been tased many times growing up but only shot at twice. It was the taser that Luv2 was most cautious of.

"As you wish officer." Luv2 whispered.

"Here is a picture of me and my buck." Luv2 proudly announced while handing the miniature burner phone with the "Hello Kitty" protective case to the officer.

"Scrawny", said the officer looking at the mostly clear picture of Luv2 behind his mount before handing it back.

"You talkin' 'bout the deer?", asked Luv2

Luv2 was really getting it handed to him - first by a high school drop-out waitress and now from an officer of the law, who was not racist and mostly peaceful.

"Anything funny in that muffin I should know about?" the officer asked while shining a 1000-lumen flashlight in Luv2's face and nearby half-eaten muffin.

"No sir." returned Luv2 blinking and shaking his head.

"Ever hear of the Drury brothers?" the officer asked while holstering his taser and resting his hands on his gunbelt while making the leather squeek.

"Yes, I have." Luv2 said.

"I have a poster of them in my mancave next to my popcorn machine and Penn State football phone that was signed by Joe Pat before the molestation scandal.", Luv2 continued.

The officer nodded in approval.

"I met them once. It was at the convention center in Harrisburg.", said the officer who seemed lost in thought.

Luv2's mind was racing. Could the officer have attended the same convention as him?

"Those boys taught me a thing or two about deer hunting. They taught me that you...
20.) bluecat - 10/08/2020
[QUOTE=luv2bowhunt;62035]I'll bet Mark Drury couldn't even figure out how to put a saddle on.[/QUOTE]

Maybe your mom could show him.







Too easy.
21.) Swamp Fox - 10/08/2020
LOL ...


A couple of gems up in there ^^^^ ...


:wave:
22.) Swamp Fox - 10/08/2020
[QUOTE=bluecat;62036]
"Ever hear of the Drury brothers?" the officer asked while holstering his taser and resting his hands on his gunbelt while making the leather squeek.

"Yes, I have." Luv2 said.

"I have a poster of them in my mancave next to my popcorn machine and Penn State football phone that was signed by Joe Pat before the molestation scandal.", Luv2 continued.

The officer nodded in approval.

"I met them once. It was at the convention center in Harrisburg.", said the officer who seemed lost in thought.

Luv2's mind was racing. Could the officer have attended the same convention as him?

"Those boys taught me a thing or two about deer hunting. They taught me that you...[/QUOTE]



"... should never let deer smell where you'd been. You should catch them completely unawares," the cop said.

"No, that's not right," Luv2 objected. "First of all, you can say "unaware" in most cases where people say "unawares" and be perfectly correct, so I don't see the point of "unawares" except that it comes from Middle English and isn't wrong, technically. But "unaware" sounds nicer, so I award you no points for that, but will not further insult you, either."

"But my main objection to your statement," Luv2 continued before the cop could catch his breath, "is that I think you can condition deer to your presence by spreading your stank around so pervasively that bucks think nothing of it any more. So I don't go in in for all this low-impact nonsense. You need to wrassle these Pennsylvania mountain bucks down by the horns and show them who's who ... "

"This new learning amazes me, sir" said the dumbfounded patrolman. 'Where did you pick this up?"

'Oh, here and there, and also by the skool of hard nocks ..."

"The school of hard nocks?"

"'Skool' ... That's what I said."

"By any chance do you know a bowhunter named Crookedeye?" asked the cop.

"Well, sointainly," replied Luv2. "Everyone nos Crookedeye."

"Don't tell me Crookedeye told you about all that Middle English stuff," scoffed the officer.

"No, I've learned mostly about centipedes and fishing for pollacks from him. And a guy called Deerminator taught me that deer don't really have horns. But my best source for new learning has always been Archerytalk, which is a ...."
23.) bluecat - 10/08/2020
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;62040]"

"No, I've learned mostly about centipedes and fishing for pollacks from him. And a guy called Deerminator taught me that deer don't really have horns. But my best source for new learning has always been Archerytalk, which is a ...."[/QUOTE]
a giant dung heap of a site and the epitome of how all other archery sites are judged. I've learned that it is a place I'd rather not be. I like HuntingCountry which is a little ma and pa website that nobody goes to or visits or posts. The webmaster won't even post to his own site. Most members won't post but then every year those that almost never post, post to make a point that no one posts. Well, there are a few that post but they are always scolded that all of their posts aren't about managing bucks and travel corridors. Then there are the guests that never post but are always around to read the posts that few post. There are new members that come on board and post that they won't post until all the regular members tell them everything about all of their past posts. It's pretty obvious that they aren't there to post and so when someone posts an appropriate response to the new members post, the people that almost never post, post to announce that they are running the new members away."

"It's a silly place." said the officer (who was not racist and mostly peaceful) trying to conclude the stop so he could get away from Luv2 and get back to his nap.

"Be safe out there", the officer said as he turned away rolling his eyes and thankful he was able to extricate himself from such nonsense.

After several failed attempts, the Miata fired up and roared out of sight and into the night. Luv2 was still about an hour away but felt like he needed just a little something to tide him over and gas up the Miata's 8-gallon gas tank.


As Luv2 pulled into "Lucky's Gas and Crickets" to fill up and get a bucket of spicy slim jims he noticed an attractive (well, attractive to Luv2) woman coming out of the double doors with an Advantage camo bandana around her dome and a shock of blue hair peeking out."

"Pat, is that you?", Luv2 stammered dumbfounded.

"...."
24.) Swamp Fox - 10/08/2020
"Well, I used to identify as Pat, but now I'm Patricia... Who are you?"

"It's Luv2, man! Er, Pat! I mean Patricia ... um, Patty ... "

Luv2 tried to hide his confusion.

"Don't you remember me? Junior year? The jungle gym?"

"Jungle Jim? Yeah, I remember him." Pat/Patricia's eyes glazed over some.

"No," retorted Luv2. "Not Jungle Jim...The Jungle Gym. Out behind the middle school..."

"I do not recall that," replied Pat/Patricia coldly, sashaying away, leaving Luv2 feeling disrepected, unsettled, and strangely nostalgic.

Luv2 then quickly concluded his business, gassing up and buying some Slim Jims, a Snickers bar, a Red Bull and some imitation pork rinds.

He jumped down into the Miata and fired that mother up.

The hunt was on, he swore angrily, and soon he pulled off onto the little gravel road that ....
25.) bluecat - 10/08/2020
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;62042]

The hunt was on, he swore angrily, and soon he pulled off onto the little gravel road that ....[/QUOTE]

lead back out to the highway. Luv2 was glad that he was finally on the road again. His head was as thick as was his ever expanding colon. He was really making time now doing a steady 62 mph. Would the Miata hold together at these speeds?

It wouldn't be long before he would be hunting whitetails like he'd read about in so many manly magazines. He also remembered that his wife had put a little something in his pack as a surprise to unveil while he was hunting. His mind wandered. Could it be that fart baffler that he'd read about on Archery Talk? He'd read the entire 42-page thread which consisted of one person bringing up the product to ask a question and the next 372 posts telling the poster he was a no-good idiot.

It might be the red moon calendar that pinpointed when giant bucks would suddenly appear in front of one's bow.

He was running low on gum-o-flage. Could that be it? It had helped disguise Luv2's disgusting mouth odor after he eaten all of those pickled eggs during turkey season. The guys at the camp all pitched in and gave them to Luv2 while convincing him that a turkey's sense of smell is second to none.

It also might be "..."
26.) Swamp Fox - 10/08/2020
...something sex-related, but ain't nobody got time for dat, he thought, even on the opening day of the Pennsylvania bow season ...

After long last, he spied his turn off the highway, which started off as blacktop and then turned to some type of large gravel/small rocks and then to some smaller gravel and then there was some cement or concrete or something right before you got to the creek crossing, and then on the other side it was dirt for a bit until the gravel started again, and he had tried to explain what it all was and the proper terminology of each bit to all his friends, but it seemed the only thing the two of them were interested in was was he gonna fix the damn potholes on the main roads and when, for Gawd's sake?

So Luv2 gave up on trying to educate them and stowed the shovel he liked to lean on best under a tarp in the trunk of the Miata, and just kept his mouth shut anymore.

He eased the Miata over the gravel, crawled over the small rocks and avoided anything half the size of a bowling ball completely until he found his pull-off, cut the lights and killed the engine. "This isn't the only thing I'll kill today" he vowed, and accidentally blew the car horn as he untangled himself from the Miata's seat.

"Damn!" he thought, as the blast fell away through the valley. "Please don't let me set off the car alarm before I pack up and leave."

That had happened to him many times in the past. While trying to be ultra-stealthy and not slam doors or make loud clicks, he sometimes activated his car alarm without realizing it. Then, when easing a door open to retrieve his Thermos of coffee or the detective novel or the National Geographic he was going to use to keep himself awake on stand, he'd set the alarm off and not remember how to get it to STFU! Did you have to find the keys and turn the ignition, or did you need to turn the key in the door lock? And where *were* the effin' keys?!!? In his pocket? On the bumper?? Front or back? On top of his backpack?? It was always a disaster for several minutes. Every buck in three counties knew where and when Luv2 was hunting about every fourth or fifth trip.

He wished he hadn't learned all those bad words from the internet.

As the echoes settled in the still night air, Luv2 surveyed his gear, and commenced to packing it.

The two things he swore not to forget this time were ...
27.) bluecat - 10/08/2020
his flashlight. The last time he forgot his flashlight he'd headed off into the woods in the darkness failing to see some telltale landmarks. He'd walked an hour through some pretty thick stuff before finally finding a good spot. He hunted all day and saw only a squirrel and small mouse. As he was climbing out of his stand he noticed something shiny just beyond his tree. He had been within 25 yards of the Miata the whole time.

The other thing he swore he would never forget was...
28.) Swamp Fox - 10/08/2020
...his cell phone.

Back in the day, he never thought twice about not having a telephone with him in the woods.

He never needed a small computer out hunting, either.

He remembered his Great Grammaw never had a telephone at all until she was 83 years old, and that's only because his mom paid for it. And Grammaw--his mother's mom-- if she'd ever seen a cordless phone it would have kilt her, and a cellular phone was outer space kind of stuff.

But Luv2 figured he'd better have a cell phone on him out in the woods, just in case it happened that ....
29.) bluecat - 10/09/2020
he wanted to make a crank call. Luv2 enjoyed making crank calls and was quite good at it - pretty much just the standard stuff - "Is your refrigerator running?", "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?". One time he got creative and called up a Mrs. Johnson from the phonebook and told her she'd won a sweepstakes giveaway. After all the shouting and crying, he then told her he was mistaken and he was looking for a Mrs. Jonson that was spelled without the 'h'. It was something to do when he wasn't seeing deer, which was really pretty much all day every day.

Luv2's focus now was on loading up the immense pack full of gadgets and food and finding a good spot to ascend with his saddle thingy. He didn't worry about using a scent spray as that was a marketing ploy to get you to buy scent products. He thought the smell of his Hai Karate was an aphrodesiac for the deer anyway.

Luv2 found a fairly straight tree with several wooly vines wrapped around it. Luv2 giggled because those vines were great little places to grab. Lucky me again, thought Luv2. Luv2 had never put together his saddle thingy he bought from the web. He'd heard good things from the gang on Archery Talk. Those fellers really know their stuff, Luv2 thought to himself.

The saddle reminded him of the saddle he'd seen at his uncle's house growing up. His uncle lived alone in a run-down old house at the end of a cul-de-sac. The saddle was in the unfinished basement and hung from an iron beam in front of a large tv. His uncle would call up his mom to see if Luv2 could spend the night with him on the weekends. His mom always said Luv2 was busy with scouting activities although Luv2 was never in scouts. That remains a mystery to Luv2 to this day. He always thought of his poor lonely uncle swinging in that saddle while watching tv shows.

Luv2 took out the diagrams on how to assemble and ascend with the saddle. The pages were all sticky from boysenberry syrup but he was able to ease them apart. He read for a little bit and wasn't making any headway until he realized he was reading the spanish section upside down. He found the English section on page 53 and started slowly. The first thing it said was...
30.) Swamp Fox - 10/10/2020
"For Spanish, turn this booklet over and upside down. No, the other way.--- For English, stay where you are, don't move, and read below."

Luv2 stayed on the page and figured he had all the details after about ten minutes of reading. There were a lot of buckles and knots and lines and ropes to keep straight in his head, but he reckoned if he'd survived that "neighborhood supper club" he'd be okay setting up a tree saddle. Man, that was a bunch of freaks, he thought, blushing slightly. But he decided it served him right for moving to the 'burbs. He used to live in an old mid-19th century home out in the country where the wind blew through the clapboard and the chimney was about to fall down any minute, but he could always find a good hiding place behind a wall or under the floorboards for all the stolen Southern silverware and china every time the History Channel came around to do an investigation.

Now in his new place it had become much more difficult, and he could almost feel the long, cold arms of The Law and Final Revenge grasping for his neck.

"Naw," he told himself. "Those goobers will never catch up with me."

With that and only a little self-doubt, Luv2 unhooked the saddle from the practice tree with the handy woolly vines and stowed all the ropes and buckles and snaps and such, hoisted his pack with all its [I]impedimenta[/I] upon his back, and set off up the trail.

After about ten minutes of hiking, he began to wonder if he had locked the Miata. He cursed the gods, and turned around and went back to the car.

Turned out he HAD locked the Miata, and with the muttered German word for "Shit!" Luv 2 turned around again and set off up the trail once more ...

His headlamp bounced off the hard dirt and rocks of the trail as he trudged steadily higher on the southern Pennsylvania mountain (large hill).

He picked it up and put it back on his head again, this time making sure the strap fit.

He checked his GPS. No messages, he noted with relief. I just want a day to myself where everyone leaves me alone, he thought. He looked up the mountain (large hill) and thought he saw the sky was starting to lighten. He'd have to hurry, and hoped he had the right game plan for the day.

To be honest, he would have preferred to have started off high, as he was no dummy and had read plenty of magazine articles back in the day when there was any information in magazines. They always told you to "hunt high in the morning, low in the evening." But he had given up weed when he was about 24 ... Well, okay, 32 if you were going to count recreational use and every single other episode ...

Luv2 climbed heroically upward as the night gave way to the part where it's darkest just before dawn. There was no vehicle access to the top at all, even if the Miata could have made it up, and Luv2 suddenly realized that there was a reason that all this land was public. It was straight up and down, not fit for much timbering, and not worth the bother of a road system. You couldn't sell it to a hillbilly, North or South. Therefore, it had become "public" and " a national treasure."

Luv2 could only think about how it could be worse if he'd voted for Hillary the way he'd thought about for half a second back in 2016.

He trudged higher, worrying about thermals and down-drafts the whole time, but confident that he might be able to cut across the ridge at right angles once at altitude and the air began to rise so he could ambush bucks that had never encountered his backwash. There were tons of bucks in here, he thought, and he couldn't have blown it with every single one yet.

About half-way up the mountain (large hill), he paused to take a blow and ...
31.) bluecat - 10/10/2020
he saw a little flash of white through the trees. Yes, he thought, I'm in the right spot. He thought about saddling up his rig but then thought, what would the Drurys do? He grabbed some dirt and wiped a couple of stripes down his face, turned his hat backward and proceeded to crawl slowly in the direction. Slowly, inch by inch, every move was measured, timed, calculated. After what seemed like an eternity, Luv2 nocked his arrow and slowly rose.

He saw the skunk at the exact same time the skunk saw him. He got a face full of spray as well. Luv2 sank to his knees and began to wretch violently. He hadn't been this sick since he'd had his first beer his senior year in high school.
After 30 minutes, Luv2 took a sip of Juicy Juice his wife had packed him the night before and felt better.
He picked up his pack and trudged onward. Could things get worse?
He found a suitable tree for his saddle thingy. Got out all the ropes, carabiners, buckles and straps.

Before the hunt Luv2 always repeated this little mantra...
32.) Swamp Fox - 10/10/2020
[I]Great green globs of greasy, grimy gopher guts,
Mutilated monkey meat.
Dirty little birdie feet.
Great green globs of greasy, grimy gopher guts,
And me without my spoon.

God grant me the senility
To forget those people I never liked anyway,
And the good fortune to run into those few I do like,
Plus the eyesight to tell the difference and not blow any shots.


[/I]


To finish off this ritual, Luv2 always threw some forest duff over his shoulder and checked his phone for last-minute messages, just as his forebearers had done. He had always liked the scene in [I]Gladiator[/I] where Maximus pledged to live with the dignity his ancestors had taught him, and he wondered if Legos, after all the letters he'd written, would ever come up with some ancestors for him that weren't so goofy-looking.

Luv2 started to affix his first climbing stick to the tree, when suddenly the phone rang ...

"Damn!" said Luv2.

"No! *Dan!* It's Dan, Luv2! Bullz-i, in the flesh!"

"Well, I'll be gol-lee!," exclaimed Luv2. 'What have have you been up to?"

"Oh, nothing much," said Bullz-i modestly. "Mostly ... "
33.) Swamp Fox - 10/10/2020
"....just killing bears and mountain lions and such ... Plus getting ready for the zombie apocalypse. You should see this shotgun load I've come up with. It uses ball bearings from a Boeing 737 engine and glass shards from a Dr. Pepper bottle. I'm trying to come up with a good name for it now, which is the reason I called."

"Is it really necessary to use Dr. Pepper shards?" asked Luv2.

'Well, I'm a prepper," replied BZ.

"I'm a Pepper, too," agreed Luv2, misundertanding.

"I guess I could use something else if it gave us a better name for the ammunition," admitted BZ. "So far the best I've come up with is 'Pepper Balls.'"

Luv2 giggled.

"I'll see what I can come up with and call you back," he offered. "Right now I'm about to climb a tree."

"Rabid dog loose in the neighborhood again?" asked BZ, concerned.

"No, I'm hunting...."

"Oh. Sorry. I forgot you did that."

"What?"

"Never mind. Call me back, jack." ...and the line went dead.

Luv2, vaguely disturbed, pursed his lips and started to climb.

Toward the top, he ...
34.) bluecat - 10/11/2020
set his last step. It was just under 6 feet from ground to top step. More than enough whispered Luv2. He had height issues stemming back to the time he helped his mother's current boyfriend hang Christmas lights. He gave him a little Tykes stepladder so he could feel important to which Luv2 promptly fell into the barberry bush. Luv2 claimed he saw grandma and could smell fresh baked bread. Grandma was still living at the time.

Luv2 then laid out his rig, muttering, the carabiner release coupler to the line flange connects to the dynamic breaking system. Tie a figure 8 knot to pully A and wind byte around both tensioners. Uh oh, I only have one tensioner Luv2 noticed. Then he remembered he'd shown it to the pump jockey who pretended to be interested and was pumping gas as fast as he could. Luv2 realized the tensioner must be on the dash next to the hula girl. Damn me, whispered Luv2. Oh well, he said I'll just make a figure 9 knot instead. Luv2 was smart that way. After about 30 minutes the saddle looked like a pile of spaghetti. Good enough, Luv2 stated.

He slowly began ascending with the saddle. As he was climbing he felt something give. Luv2 wrapped his leg, with the good knee, to steady it and the whole thing flipped upside down. Luv2 was hanging by one foot and swinging like a metronome. A lot of things can run through someone's mind at times like these. His first thought was...
35.) Swamp Fox - 10/11/2020
"Well, now I'm actually going to get to see if you really can shoot a Whisker Biscuit upside-down. The guys on the forum are gonna luv this!"

Using his back muscles, over-developed from decades of leaning on his shovel while impeding traffic on roads both major and minor, Luv2 did a few upside-down crunches until he could reach his Jitterbug, which he had stuffed in the top of his right sock, not being a believer in BDU camo pants or even cheap Chinese cargo pants from Old Navy. Who needs those? he thought, putting them down to just another hunting gimmick designed by those (probably) Southern marketing and paramilitary types.

His old gray wool pants with the reinforced seat had always worked well enough for him. Yeah, it was occasionally problematic that the reinforcement was a layer of contrasting maroon wool in the shape of an upside-down heart right over his rump, especially when he stopped at a truck stop for gas or the check station to ask if anyone had seen anything that day, but otherwise they were good pants…
36.) Swamp Fox - 10/11/2020
Unfortunately, once he crammed the two front pockets full of his car keys, Tootsie Rolls and the pack of cards with survival tips on each one, there was no room for the cell phone.

Well, there is now, he thought to himself with an eye-roll (which he could not help on account of he was upside-down). He noted about twenty Tootsie Rolls and the keys to the Miata scattered on the ground below him. He could feel the pack of survival cards still in his pocket though, so he had that going for him, which was nice... He wondered if they would advise that he try to dunk for Tootsie Rolls upside down so he'd get some energy in him. He jiggled and bounced a little on his rope to try, but his head was still about a foot off the ground and his tongue just wouldn't reach ....
37.) Swamp Fox - 10/11/2020
He turned his attention back to the Jitterbug. Did it even have a camera? Now that he thought about it, Luv2 didn't even know. It would be just his luck if he finally had an opportunity to shoot a Whisker Biscuit upside down but didn't have the gear to document it. This would be the last time he ever took advice from Swamp Fox. He thought about DParker then, knowing that THAT guy would never not have the right technology for something as monumental as this. For a second, Luv2 wondered if he should call him again.

But then, suddenly, the phone rang on its own ...
38.) Swamp Fox - 10/11/2020
"Hey, man!" yelled the voice on the other end.

"Who's this??"

"Eddie, man! Eddie! You know! From the Indian casino! ..."

"Eddie Van Halen?" Luv2 croaked incredulously.

"Yeah, man! What you up to? Missed you the last time I was out there but wanted to let you know I'm coming back after all this Kung Flu shit dies down!"

"Um, what time is it where you are? I'm just getting into my saddle," Luv2 fibbed.

"That's funny, man! I'm just getting out of mine! Probably gonna have to pay for the damages, but that's why I let Tony handle the hotels. Who knew Albuquerque was so hot!"

Luv2 felt like he should take a left turn at "Albuquerque" so he changed the subject abruptly.

"Hey, Eddie... I'm in a bit of a jam. What's the number to 911?"

"I don't know, man! They've always just shown up as far as I know ..."

“See you around, Eddie,” said Luv2 coldly, and hung up. “Someday,” he thought to himself darkly, “that Van Halen poster in my room is going to be worth something.”
39.) Swamp Fox - 10/11/2020
The blood was rushing to his head now as he surveyed the Tootsie Rolls and the car keys and a daddy long-legs just inches from his nose.

Another fine mess you've gotten me into, thought Luv2, referring to his wife, who had almost infinite patience but who had finally resorted to introducing Luv2 to hunting just to get him out from underfoot.

She had noticed that his father and grandfather had earlier in his life tried skateboarding and stamp-collecting respectively toward the same end, but it was only something that forced Luv2 out of the house that would gift them with any occasional peace and quiet around the place.

As Luv2 was reminiscing about his long developmental journey as a hunter, the sky was growing gray from dark, and out of the corner of his eye he noticed movement.

Ordinarily, if he'd been up in a treestand, the movement would have been in the lower corner of his left eye, but right now it was in kind of the upper corner of his right eye. Luv2 decided this was a detail that didn't make much difference and wasn't very interesting unless he someday told the story on a forum where everyone was really jacked up about saddle hunting, and so he just waited with a blank and open mind until the movement came nearer.
40.) Swamp Fox - 10/11/2020
Over the top of a little rise he could make out something furry, and then realized it was a guy with a rabbit on top of his head, carrying a crossbow. To be clear, the guy was carrying the crossbow, not the rabbit. I mean, the rabbit wasn't carrying a crossbow. The guy was. The rabbit was just on top of his head. The guy wasn't carrying it.

Luv2 watched as the guy came up to a big beechnut tree, looked around for a bit and then dropped his britches and popped a squat.I won't describe what happened next, but Luv2 noted how wet and directly the opposite of melodic it was. He did try to scrunch his eyes shut, but he told himself it was only human nature that he took a couple of peeks.
41.) Swamp Fox - 10/11/2020
"Hi," said Luv2, as the noises subsided.

Wooo! The man jumped three feet toward the sky and two feet back, and spun half-way 'round somewhere between the vertical and horizontal trajectories, clutching at his half-raised pants the whole way.

"What the ...???" he gasped when he landed. His eyes were big as salad plates.

Luv2 felt he looked rather silly. The bug-eyed man with the rabbit on his head and his pants at his knees, that is. Not himself, of course, dangling with his feet in the air, fully dressed.

"It's amazing what good camouflage you can get out of some gray pants and a red plaid wool shirt, isn't it?" he declared. "I let you get within 7 feet of me and you never knew I was here."

"Well, you are dangling upside down a foot off the ground," said the guy somewhat defensively. "I wasn't looking for anyone like that there."

"'I could teach you some things about woodsmanship and hunting," said Luv2 enticingly, but with just a hint of desperation, "if you get me out of this thing and turn me right-side up."

"Deal!" said the guy with characteristic Northeastern openness and enthusiasm.

It turned out his name was Alex, and
42.) Swamp Fox - 10/11/2020
the Bert's Chili at the Waffle House had done its job. Even better than prune juice. Even better than he'd hoped for. His pipes were completely cleaned out, and except for the faint smell of fecal matter where he'd dripped on his shirttail and the back of his belt during his half-pantsed flight through the air, he was ready to hunt.

He noticed that this guy dangling from the rope in plaid wool smelled of skunk, so he figured they were a good team.

Once he'd gotten Luv2 straightened out and could see his face without the redness and all the swelling, Alex thought he looked somewhat familiar. It was more than just the fact that he'd been coming in the Waffle House as Alex had been leaving... He knew he'd seen him there because there weren't that many hunters in Pennsylvania driving Miatas, and he'd taken notice of this bold choice.

No, it was something else, Alex mused, like in a community college class or at the circus or something... Elephant tipping? A photography exhibit?

A computer hacking class??


All Alex knew is that he was certain this guy had some skills, and he was determined to find out what ...
43.) bluecat - 10/12/2020
those were. It would have to wait though as Luv2 was standing on his own two feet now, both literally and figuratively. He's spent most of his twenties living in his mom's basement and working at the chicken ranch. It all ended badly and the courts declared he wasn't allowed within a mile of the ranch - something about obscene liberties with poultry. Luv2 needed to get back to hunting and lose the foul smelling lawn dwarf with the rabbit on his head standing before him. He'd struck a deal to meet again soon at the diner over a stack and vowed to spend 30 minutes with him to teach him all he knew.

Luv2 reattached himself, correctly this time, to the most excellent saddle system and sat in silence as the funk began to dissipate. The skunk had actually done him a favor as it created a nice cover scent. It then dawned on Luv2, what had his wife given him as a "going away on the big hunt" present? He couldn't hold back. He reached into his pack and grabbed the box. Shaking with excitement he opened the box.

"Yes!", he said out loud. It was [I] Becoming[/I] by Michelle Obama. He'd hoped to read this book when it first came out but got sidelined with other books on the Oprah list. He wanted to read more about Michelle's journey from hating America to actually sorta kinda hating it less again and the horror she experienced as a black woman when a little 5' 2" white gal ask her to get something from the top shelf when she was in Walmart. How dare someone ask a tall black woman for something from an upper shelf. How demeaning she must have felt and then having to relive that moment by recounting it on the morning talk shows. He also hoped Michelle included some of her workout tips for giant arms as Luv2 arms were often mistaken for a 12 year-old girls arms. Michelle, in conjunction with the Foresty Service, was also an accomplished gardener. She completely transformed the White House garden one night.

Luv2 began the journey and opened the book. Inside the cover was a little note from his wife. "Don't blow the shot this time, honey." Luv2 was touched. He started to read the first sentence and uh oh. There was a rumbling down under. The pancakes, the coffee, the bran muffin, the spicy sticks, tootsie rolls, scrapple, hashbrowns and breakfast sausage were talking. He quickly dismissed it but a few seconds later the urge returned and this time it wasn't going away. This was a full scale emergency. He wasn't sure there was even time to lower himself to ground level. He needed to make a decision quickly or the decision would be made for him. He swung over to the tree the way he'd seen the gibbons do it at the Gettysburg zoo. With one hand on the top step and the other hand clearing the runways, Luv2 purged his whole alimentary canal. There was a sound that eminated forth that was reminiscent of a blowtorch, Nanny Pelosi and a bulldog growling over a bone. After 10 excruciating minutes it was mercilessly over... over the steps and down the tree, it was everywhere - a slick goo that covered every inch of the tree. His pack was mostly spared. Luv2 took it in stride though, he had hunted many years but had only defecated on himself a handful of times.

Luv2 reached into his mostly clean pack for the toilet paper. First he felt where it should have been and then systematically checked every opening and space within the pack. Nada. Nothing. Zip. Damn! What would he do now? What could he do now? He glanced over at [I]Becoming[/I]. It was a thick book which was a good thing for him that Michelle had bottled up so much venom. He decided he would use chapter one for the thick stuff and then play it by ear after that. Each page needed to be crumpled a certain way to prevent screaming in pain. It became evident that the first couple chapters weren't making a dent. Luv2 got up to page 176 and had it mostly under control. But there is always a silver lining, in this case brown. When Luv2 looked at page 177, Michelle was hating America less and less. So he had that going for him which was nice. Lucky me again, thought Luv2.

The horrific stench that was eminating from Luv2 was overpowering. The goo had clung to the cheap wool, dripped down the tree and mixed with the skunk loads left a fog of death for miles. Deer won't notice, Luv2 said defiantly.

Luv2 shrugged it off, nocked an arrow through his whisker biscuit and continued reading. Just then he heard a sound. He'd always heard that if it sounds like a deer it's a squirrel, if it sounds like an elephant it's a deer. This sounded like an elephant. It was close and moving toward him. He looked up from [I]Becoming[/I] and saw...
44.) Swamp Fox - 10/13/2020
that Alex had taken the brunt of the brown rainstorm. He was still at the base of the tree, seemingly not knowing that he was supposed to leave forever and not look back after Luv2 had gotten him to do his bidding.

Alex looked up at Luv2 with blinking eyes, and it was hard to tell the face paint from the detritus. Fortunately, the rabbit on his head had been spared, and Alex was thankful for that, just as he was grateful that he still had a few guys that came to his Facebook page every Christmas to look at pictures of his tree and all the lights.


"It isn't so bad," he said to himself, and wiped something wet and chunky from under his right eye.

It was beginning to dawn on him that he really did know this guy from somewhere, maybe even from one of those internet sites he allegedly operated, according to the police. The erratic behavior and the aggressive attitude--plus the flatulence--those were clues, he thought.

For Luv2's part, he had no idea who this stranger was. It was true that the rabbit looked vaguely familiar, but beyond that Luv2 didn't know and didn't care. He was here to hunt, and if he had to explain to this guy that it was bad form to stand underneath someone else's treestand---even though this was Pennsylvania--- he damn sure was gonna do it.

Looking down on the rabbit-headed guy, he said ...
45.) Swamp Fox - 10/13/2020
"Sorry, man. I'm just getting into saddle hunting. I guess it's better as a seat than as a diaper..."

He phrased that very exactly, noted Alex. This only added to his belief that this guy was no stranger to the internet or to web forums, where the conversations were ultra-punctilious ...

He could have said a saddle was a better seat than a diaper, causing confusion for people who might think they could use a diaper as a seat, even though it was inferior. But no. This guy was much more precise. He was probably a German of some kind. Maybe even legendary Pennsylvania Dutch ...


Alex had heard of such types. They didn't all drive buggies and build pole barns on the weekends. Some of them didn't even believe in the Headless Horseman. Few of them were named Ichabod Crane, who was an English-type, anyway. But they all had a few things in common when it came to hunting, the first of which was ...
46.) Swamp Fox - 10/13/2020
"The Big Punkin' " ....


Not the Great Pumpkin, which was a religious thing, but the Big Punkin' ...

The Big Punkin' was all about the idea that if you could just shoot a 130-inch deer in Pennsylvania, all your troubles would be over and the Game Commission would live on for another thousand years... (And also that such an animal did indeed exist) ...

People in barber shops and men's hair salons all over Pennsylvania would greet each other, asking, '"Have you seen the Big Punkin'?"

(The legend was also alive in some parts of New York, Connecticut and Massachusetts, including the five boroughs, but using the apostrophe was uncommon there, as it was considered unsophisticated.)

Alex was from a part of New York where they didn't believe in anything except Winter, and even then a year with less than eight feet of snow caused many to lose their faith.

He hoped he wasn't about to get into a philosophical argument with a guy dressed in plaid wool, but ...
47.) bluecat - 10/13/2020
he would if he had to - just like he only posted if he had to.

"I think we need to detoxify ourselves", Luv2 said breaking the silence. He had already accepted the fact that this leach wasn't going away anytime soon - like a lost puppy that follows one around. "There's a pond fairly close to here." Alex suggested. "We should probably get this taken care of." So they both trudged off toward the pond leaving a trail of odor much like rotting flesh.

When they arrived at the pond they both began to strip down. Luv2 wasn't used to temperatures being this cold and his frail tender body shivered. Temperatures had plummeted overnight and dropped into the fifties. Luv2 was having trouble gripping his hands as he pried the caked-on feces-hardened clothes from his body. They felt relief as they waded naked into the seasonably warm water and began the task of cleaning themselves when suddenly a voice rang out.

"You fellers have licenses?" the game warden asked.
Both Alex and Luv2 had not seen the game warden sitting there.
"Not on me", Luv2 said sarcastically.
"I don't share your humor son." the game warden bellowed.
"Water must be cold.", he stated glancing up from his notebook and looking directly at Luv2.
"I need to see your license and some identification."
"Yes sir." Luv2 said respectfully.
"I see your reading [I]Becoming[/I], the officer said as he spied the crap stained book peaking out of Luv2's pack.
"What do you think?"
"I'm up to page 177", Luv2 responded.
"Well?", the officer asked.
"It chapped my ass." Luv2 mumbled.
"What was that?", the officer asked roughly.
"It rubbed me the wrong way", Luv2 said quietly.

[After a few moments of silence]

"I've been watching you two boys frolic in this pond for quite awhile now. [awkward pause] I don't know what sort of sick twisted perverted activities you are involved in but we don't take too kindly of your turning our public wildlife areas into your own personal sex ranch." Tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to turn around and count to 100. When I turn back around both of yous guys (common eastern useage of plural 'you' and 'guys', similar to southern all y'all) will be gone and if I ever see you again, I'll be hauling your asses to jail for misuse of public lands. Have I made myself clear?"
Alex tried to explain to the officer that he was a pretty big deal in a certain one-pony town in New York before Luv2 motioned using the slashing motion across the neck.
The officer turned around and began slowly counting.

As Alex and Luv2 were gathering up their wet clothes, Luv2 made this suggestion to Alex...
48.) Swamp Fox - 10/13/2020
"Once we get around the point of this ridge, he'll never see us. We can set up a ground blind up top and wait till he leaves."


"Up top there?" asked Alex fearfully, looking up at the large hill.


"Yeah. No sweat! We'll just take my ebike and motor on ..."

A pale shadow crossed Luv2's face just then, and he halted mid-sentence. He looked as if he'd just remembered he'd left the garage door open and the stove on. He thought of Dparker, and he began punching himself in the head, arms and chest. Pretty hard, too ....

"What the ...?" gasped Alex. He'd never seen such behavior before, except a couple of times on one of his forums.

"I just remembered," Luv2 said dismally."'I forgot the ebike down at the Miata."

"You mean all the way down at the bottom of this large hill?"

"Yeah," replied Luv2 glumly. "I thought there were only two things I should swear not to forget this morning, but it turns out there were three. At least three," he reflected once the words were out, his mind turning less slowly than usual now. He wondered if he shouldn't have forgotten at least five or six things.

Luv2 kicked half-heartedly at a rock with his comfy Muck boot. The other one, the uncomfy one, was already starting to wear a blister on the back of his heel. He wondered if his feet had grown since last season, which would be odd, because everything else on him seemed to be shrinking lately. He just knew he hadn't gotten any blisters last year. He also knew--after the fact--that he shouldn't have kicked that rock, because he thought he might have just broken a toe.

He made a mental note to check if Muck Boots were made for hunting in the mountains (large hills) once he got somewhere where there was internet service ...
49.) Swamp Fox - 10/13/2020
Over there by that big oak tree at the point of the ridge seemed a likely place, he thought, so with Alex in tow Luv2 limped over and fired the Jitterbug up. He noted that he could no longer see the game warden from there, but from many years in the woods he craftily knew that didn't mean the game warden couldn't see him. He did his best imitation of a stump as he hunkered underneath the oak, tapping the Google icon on his phone.

Unfortunately, he got distracted from his question about Muck boots when he saw the Google News alert that there had been a shooting in the Pennsylvania large hills that morning. He tried to scroll to read, but lost the signal.

"Damn you, Glenn Beck!" Luv2 fumed as he snapped the Jitterbug shut. Luv2 had switched cell service providers on the advice of the popular radio and cable television commentator, mostly because they shared the same obsession about Woodrow Wilson, but also thinking he was doing his patriotic duty and throwing his greenback dollars behind a teeny-tiny company that shared his values.

He might as well have invested in Confederate war bonds, but he'd tried that already, if by "invested' you meant kept stashed in a large wooden crate in his basement, under a musty tarp. They had fallen off the back of a wagon, he told his young sons, who found them one day while trying on hoop skirts and playing with parasols they'd found in an old trunk marked "Melanie H. ---Savannah River House."

No, this new cell plan was a bust, but it was time to turn his mind to other things anyway. If he could get back to the Miata and retrieve his ebike, he might salvage this morning after all.

He explained his plan to Alex, and together the two of them trudged off toward the parking area, snacking on wild hickory nuts as they went, because they had also forgotten ...
50.) Swamp Fox - 10/13/2020
....that they'd each brought a decent lunch from home.

When Alex realized this, he quickly stuffed some some freshly-dropped nuts in his pockets for later, along with some red oak acorns. His family had gone organic recently, and urged him to cleanse his system and come over to the dark side, which is why he'd been so focused on prune juice and then the Bert's Chili on this trip. He was hoping to go home with a clean colon and some nutritious venison at the end of the day, but if the venison didn't work out some nuts and seeds in his pockets would at least prove to his wife and daughters that he was trying.

For Luv2's part, while he searched for his own freshly-dropped nuts, he was forgetting the massive baloney sandwich with yellow mustard he had packed. His wife had not objected. Usually she loaded him down with cheese, pink and red processed meats and the saltiest trail mix she could put together, but this morning she had relented. "It's opening day. He'll do enough damage on his own today," she'd considered. Besides, she thought, it's not like he's not good for a laugh every once in a while. She had wondered if she was going soft ...

Bellies sated, Luv2 and Alex came to the top of the trail and began their descent to the parking area where the ebike waited. It seemed crazy to do all this hiking just to go back to get the bike, but they would have to find a different set-up if either of them was going to kill a buck today.

As he hiked, Luv2 took note of his surroundings in the mid-morning sun, and couldn't help but think that the deer sign he was seeing indicated ....
51.) Swamp Fox - 10/13/2020
... that all the deer had moved up the large hill in the dark, but were now moving back down.

This was odd, because Luv2 knew from experience that once deer ascended in the morning, they tended to take beds in places that were favorable for scenting and seeing, and would not make much movement down until the thermals had shifted late in the afternoon.

He wondered if all the stank at the top of the hill had caused a shift in the deers' behavior. He also wondered if the plural of deer really was deers. He knew the plural of doe was doe and the plural of buck was buck. He hadn't attended eight years of school at various places around Pennsylvania that would have him not to no the lingo. But the "deers'" thing was escaping him at the moment. He wouldn't be surprised if it was a Pittsburgh thing, or more likely Philly. Then he wondered if it was a Jersey thing, or maybe even Ohio or Wisconsin.

With a shudder, he remembered the patrolman who stopped him earlier in the morning ...
52.) Swamp Fox - 10/13/2020
It also bothered him that he had begun to doubt the infallibility of his own "Human Stank Saturation" theory of scouting and deer hunting, and he wondered if he should pull his recent article about his technique from the upcoming edition of [I]The BowCountry Journal.[/I]

He'd never be able to get the editor to answer his phone calls or email, though, he thought glumly, and just hoped nobody would read that particular issue.

He reached in his pocket to consult his Magic 8 Ball.

"Chances are good" was the answer, and Luv2 smiled--- a bit maliciously, it must be said ...
53.) Swamp Fox - 10/13/2020
Now Luv2 turned to his companion and took a closer look. If they were going to spend time together, they might as well get to know each other.

For his part, Alex was thinking the same thing. The more he thought about it,, the more this guy with the tree saddle held in front of him with two fingers, his nose in the air and a grimace on his face seemed familiar. He'd eliminated those several drunken nights of elephant tipping as a possibility, but that didn't mean the circus was completely out of the question. This guy could have been in a sideshow, Alex thought, or maybe he ran the Spider or the Ferris Wheel.

He decided to risk a few questions.

"So, what do you like to do when you're not hunting?" he asked Luv2.

"Oh, I like to go to the circus. I have some friends and relatives that work in one of the cheesier ones, and they get me tickets for free."

"That must be nice," replied Alex coyly. Bingo!

"Well, yes and no," said Luv2. "Every time I go, the Bearded Lady stuffs me in the bottom of the Zoltar booth and won't let me out until I tell her how many different fortunes there are."

"How many are there?"

"I've never been able to tell. Every time I get to counting, the midget that they shoot out of a cannon comes by and whispers something in the bearded lady's ear and they go off together. I've just always crawled out of the booth at that point."

"Little person," corrected Alex.

"Well, yeah, I am, I guess, to be able to fit in there, and compared to some big galoot from Washington State, or a sasquatch... But I do alright,,:" said Luv2, his lower lip stuck out in defiance.

Suddenly, Alex knew exactly who he was dealing with. Not only was this the famous website hacker he'd been battling for years on his hunting forum, but this guy had been showing up at Alex's photography exhibits and trying to buy up the entire "Young Girls in Barns and Haystacks" collection bit by bit.


He'd have to be very, very careful around this one, vowed Alex, as the two rounded a bend and spied ...
54.) Swamp Fox - 10/14/2020
a beefy figure with arms like mailbox posts and legs like fire hydrants running across the trail, about 50 yards away. He wore a scruffy beard, a polar-grade Philadelphia Eagles hoodie, Timberland boots and lederhosen. In his right hand, they both could see, he carried a Browning BAR semi-automatic hunting rifle with a Redfield scope on see-through mounts.

".30- 06," muttered Luv2.

"How do you know it's a .30-06?" whispered Alex fiercely.

"Because it looks like one!" Luv2 spat back. If there was one thing Luv2 hated on the opening day of bow season, it was guys running around his woods in lederhosen.

Luv2 vaguely recalled that while he was having his explosive episode up in the tree, he thought he'd heard three gunshots fairly close, but it was hard to tell with all the other noise going on.


"Did you hear any shooting this morning?" he asked Alex as they hid behind a small rhododendron on the side of the trail.

"Of course,' replied Alex. "You and me both, guilty as charged."

It was then that Luv2 noticed the hearing aids in Alex's ears for the first time, and realized his companion thought he'd said "tooting," not "shooting."

"I bet if I were a burglar in this guy's house, I could make as much noise as I wanted and wreck the place and he'd never know the difference until it was too late," he thought to himself and anyone else who was a mind-reader.

Of course, he was perfectly fine being just a computer hacker, too, he considered, but was glad that his gig at the Roads Department paid most of his bills.

While they waited for the Eagles fan to top the next rise and drop back down on the other side, out of sight, they consulted their individual GPSs.

The odd thing was, as they compared screens, the ...
55.) Swamp Fox - 10/14/2020
The "North" arrow on Luv2's device pointed in the exact opposite direction to Alex's arrow.

"Maybe you're holding it upside down," offered Luv2.

Alex turned the device over and stared at the back panel where you put the batteries in.

"I don't see how this is any better," he said.

"Never mind," said Luv2.. "All we have to do is keep walking down this mountain and we'll come to the road eventually."

"Or we could follow this trail that goes straight to the parking lot," countered Alex.

"Whatever," said Luv2 impatiently. He would have rolled his eyes, but one of them was still stuck up in the top of his head from when he'd been hanging upside down for so long. He hoped it would descend eventually, since it was his shooting eye and he didn't want to blow any shots.

He tried to roll the other one to show Alex who was boss, but just wound up making an unintentionally funny face that Alex wished he had been fast enough to make into a GIF and post on the forum. It would have been great photo-shopped onto one of those dancing elf Christmas cards, he thought.

"But, no. I have to keep my identity secret, or else Luv2 will ... "
56.) bluecat - 10/14/2020
ignore me like he does everyone else on the forum."

Soon they were at the Miata and Luv2 dug in his pockets for his keys. He activated the car alarm almost immediately - pretty standard stuff for Luv2. It sent a blast of rythmic honking through the woods shattering the silence once again.

"Really?", Alex protested.

Undaunted Luv2 reached in to grab his mostly mustard sandwich and honked the horn and turned on the wipers with his elbow for good measure.

"Good God!" said Alex. "Do you have a loudspeaker too?"

Luv2 grabbed the forgotten lunch, some Immodium tablets and more tootsie rolls. He took "fatty" off the roof rack and began to load her up.

Together they took off on fatty with Alex in the basket up front and Luv2 behind the wheel reminiscent of a scene from ET.

Although Luv2 bought fatty because the literature said it would go anywhere, they pretty much had to stop at every stump, bump, hole or limb.

Luv2 would have to help Alex out of the basket, walk fatty over the obstacle and then give Alex a boost back into the basket.

It was clear, fatty just didn't have the horsepower to climb. Frustrated, Luv2 grabbed fatty, lifted it high over his head and chucked it down a ravine. "So long you POS!"

Gathering up their gear, they both began the climb once again.

Luv2 turned to Alex and said...
57.) Swamp Fox - 10/14/2020
"Prank-call my family, or something, or worse!"

"He might even pull some levers and flip some switches and disappear the forums altogether!"

Alex contemplated the horror.

"That's unimaginable! I've not gone through 25 years and six generations of SomethingHuntingRelated(Or Not)Country.com for nothing! I must resist!" he swore, and noticed he was drawing blood where his hand was clenching his thigh through the insualted down layers of his snowmobile suit.

Coincidentally, but completely predictably, Luv2 was also thinking of prank-calling this guy's house at that very moment. He'd wait until they took a mid-day nap, he thought, and then ... It would be something about an old uncovered well, hidden deep in the woods, he mused, and he''d throw in a dog for effect. He did a pretty good collie bark, but it would be funnier if it was a chihuahua ... He'd have to think about it some more, but the plan ----if not hatched---began to peck at the shell, soon to break out.

Luv2 noticed that the ̶c̶o̶a̶s̶t̶ ̶m̶o̶u̶n̶t̶a̶i̶n̶ large hill was clear, and with a whispered "C'mon!" grabbed Alex by the sleeve and they proceeded down the trail toward the waiting ebike.


It wasn't long before they ,,,
58.) Swamp Fox - 10/14/2020
"It's a good thing I don't charge you for the ride."

Just then, the sound of sirens and motorcycle engines screamed and roared up from below, They watched through the trees as three cars with blue or red lights (cops in the area seemed undecided as to which to use) skidded to a stop, one at the head of the road and two at the bottom, surrounding a group of outlaw bikers. One of the bikers, who seemed to be the leader based on the size of his gut and the age of his tattoos, laid his bike down in a spray of some type of road rock Luv2 would have known the name of, broke from the group, jumped the ditch, and ran down the ravine. The mostly peaceful cops watched gape-mouthed, and then everyone heard an exalted "Wooo-hoo!" a few seconds later. The fat biker had found the far-flung ebike, and the next thing everyone knew they were all watching him silently roar up the mountain (large hill) and out of sight.

Luv2 knew he couldn't miss this, and he convinced Alex to follow him down to the parking lot again.

When they got there, he saw that the patrolman from Ohio with the mom from Wisconsin, the cop who knew the Drury Brothers and the game warden from the cleansing pond were all there, questioning the bikers about something.


He sidled over to see what he could hear. It was something about a girl getting shot this morning... He remembered the Google News item and wondered if this could be related ...
59.) Swamp Fox - 10/14/2020
Eventually, the LEOs noticed him hanging on the edge of the group, and knew right away he wasn't a biker. They were trained to be observant.

The cop from Ohio with the cheesehead mom recognized him first.

"Guten Tag," he said neutrally, as if he were Swiss, and tipped his hat. He reminded himself to check his notebook when he had a second.

The one who'd met the Drurys and was probably at the same Harrisburg show that was one of Luv2's defining moments was a little slower on the uptake, but much more friendly.

"Seen the Big Punkin'?" he inquired, with steady, expectant, hopeful eyes..

"Haven't seen squat this morning," replied Luv2, and then realized his error. He *had* seen squat this morning, and was having trouble getting it out of his head. But he thought it better not to elaborate.

The game warden from the pond just looked at him coldly and flicked his eyes at Alex, standing in the background.

"Well, this is a fine pickle we're in," said the Germanic cop, whose name was Hans Gruber, though he didn't advertise that anymore.

"What's going on?"asked Luv2.

"Young girl this morning...," replied the game warden. 'She's sittin' on a big rock lookin' out over the valley, watchin' the sun come up, just mindin' her own business ... Very PBS and Nature Channel... when a hunter comes up and says hello and starts flirting with her. She looks at him with her big brown doe eyes, flutters her lashes and says 'I'm game!' ...

"AND THE NEXT THING SHE KNOWS, HE SHOOTS HER!"

"Bastard!" exclaimed Luv2.

"Well, I mean, he didn't hit her," continued the game warden, "But he shot at her three or four times."

The deer show cop seemed out of breath, but he blurted out the follow-up: "...This guy was no One-Shot Paddy, that's for sher!..."

"This is outrageous!" Alex interjected from the back. "I've never heard of such a thing."

"That's because you're not from Pennsylvania, bub," retorted the game warden, sharp-eyed and as perceptive as any man could be, plus surprisingly intelligible despite sucking on a couple of toothpicks and some hibiscus flavored snuff...
60.) Swamp Fox - 10/14/2020
"Mind if we look in your trunk?" he asked innocently, the way mostly peaceful cops do.

"Who, me?" Luv2 touched his heart. "What do you think you're gonna find in my trunk?" he sputtered, taken aback. He hadn't counted on this when he began rubbernecking a police investigation.

"There's no telling," answered the game warden. "But I can search you eight ways to Sunday that these other losers (here he jerked a thumb at the other two lawmen) can only dream of. That's the benefit of being the Bunny Police.. Hop, hop there now, son..."

"I thought it was only six or seven ways to Sunday," replied Luv2 sulllenly.

"We found a loophole," grinned the game warden slyly, and shoved Luv2's shoulder toward the Miata.

When Luv2 popped the trunk, everyone stopped and stared at the ....
61.) bluecat - 10/14/2020
box labeled 'sex toys'.

"Son, I've had just about enough of your lip. Turn around. Is there anything on you I need to know about?"

"I think you know me better than most."

"Spread 'em."

The last time Luv2 was directed to do that was the last week in band camp. He wasn't entirely comfortable doing it then and even more so now.

"You funny man? Like jokes, like to kid around a lot?"

"Yes sir."

"Maybe you can entertain some of our prisoners at the jail. I'm sure they would appreciate your little comedy routines."

Luv2 was worried, he knew he wouldn't last 10 minutes in jail.

"I saw where tat man went. I know where he was heading.", Luv2 blurted out.

"Show us tatoo man and you can go on about your hunt or whatever it was you two fancy boys were doing."

With that Luv2 lead the search party up the mountain. He had a good idea where tatoo man was going but did not know for sure. It was a chance for freedom and he thought he better roll the dice.

Luv2 came to the first tracks found - got down on the ground and listened with his ear to the track. He seemed to be channelling ancient native people.

"Came through here 20 minutes ago - headed east, has hurt foot, scared. Will seek shelter soon before sun go down. Hasn't eaten since rooster crow."

The idiot game warden ate it up. Luv2 continued leading the search party up the trail (veins bulging, tiki torches lit, sorry had to).
62.) Swamp Fox - 10/14/2020
Trailing behind, the cop named Hans Gruber, who was really much nicer than most people thought --just stoic and reserved, plus a little stern--- kept wondering about what they had seen in the trunk of the Miata. The "special" shoo-fly pie, the lonely roll of toilet paper, the ziplok bag of different kinds of carabiners and the signed copy of JC-Wisconsin's first book, "Love me, Do --An Epic Journey With The Beatles and One Special Deer Hunter I Used To Know" ---they all had plausible explanations.

But the shovel, under the tarp... That was something else entirely ....

Gruber turned to the deer show cop, both trudging along at the back as the group ascended the hill, and whispered...
63.) bluecat - 10/14/2020
"After this is all over, would you want to come back to my place for some drinks?"
64.) Swamp Fox - 10/14/2020
^^^^ LOL ^^^^ :p:applause:
65.) Swamp Fox - 10/14/2020
They came to a spot where the trail crossed a wide bench on the moun ..... large hill, and Luv2 recognized the spot almost immediately.

He got down on his knees again and put his ear to the ground once more.

"Covered wagon... Two horses. The wagon's loaded with furniture, a butter churn and three young girls, two of them pretty good-looking. Also, there's a guy in an Eagles sweatshirt and lederhosen running along beside them."

"That's amazing!" shouted the game warden, "Know we're on 'em!"

"'Know'?" whispered Hans to his new friend.

"Forget it... He's on a roll," came back the reply. "I know a guy from Nebraska who thinks the N stands for 'knowledge'. Met him at a deer show once."

Luv2 then put up his hand to draw attention and got on his belly. He sprawled on the ground and after a few moments shouted, "Also, they have a steer, two mules and a Mexican riding along behind them."

"That's incredible!" exclaimed the game warden, his face flush with excitement and the challenge of the chase. "How can you tell all that with your ear on the ground?"


"They ran over me 45 minutes ago," replied Luv2 deliciously, and rose to give a bow...
66.) bluecat - 10/14/2020
"Keep it up funny man, keep it up.", stated the warden. You'll make someone a nice girlfriend at the jail.

Luv2 grimaced. He hated being the girlfriend.

Luv2's tracking skills were extraordinary and he lead them to a small little cave. At the entrance to the cave there was a little sign that read 'Home Sweet Home' and another that said 'Willkommen'." How odd that was thought Luv2. So he knocked on the entrance to the cave and asked if he could borrow a cup of sugar.

"No one's home." tat man yelled.

We're not falling for that one thought Luv2.

"I love what you've done with the place. Perhaps you need a little mud room?"

That must have angered tat man because he immediately came to the entrance where the law enforcement team (who were only mildly racist and sometimes violent) apprehended him - not before roughing him up a little though, just for good measure.

"Okay boys, you are free to go."

Luv2 looked at Alex with his one good eye and the Odyssey continued.
67.) Swamp Fox - 10/14/2020
"I could have sworn they were going to go after you harder about that shovel in your trunk," Alex commented as they made their way up the trail again. "As a matter of fact, I had a whole thread ...um... list of excuses why you had a shovel in the trunk after a girl got shot."

"Pshaw," exclaimed Luv2 dismissively. "That's my favorite work shovel. It's never been used and they knew it. No way I'd dig a shallow grave with it. Or even a deep one. I have an old Ditch Witch for that kind of thing."

Alex gave him the side-eye at that, and figured it would also be better to leave the issue of the funny shoo-fly pie alone until he was home and could report everything to the authorities all at once.

However, he knew from running his own forums that most times when you reported something to the authorities, nothing happened...
68.) Swamp Fox - 10/14/2020
Momentarily, Alex came across a buck track that seemed to be both coming and going at the same time.

Against his better judgment, he asked Luv2 ....
69.) Swamp Fox - 10/14/2020
"What do you think that means?"

"I'd say that means he died a happy buck, and we should look for another..."

Luv2 trudged on.

Something was bothering him, though. The cops were way too quick to arrest the outlaw biker for shooting at that girl, he thought, and they had completely ignored the Eagles fan with the .30- 06. It's possible they didn't believe there was an Eagles fan with a .30-06 since Luv2 had thrown that in with the covered wagon joke.

It worried him that justice would not be served.


Also, it was getting late in the morning and he had not yet found a new stand, plus he was getting pretty hungry again.

He turned to Alex with hunting and more baloney on his mind, and said ...
70.) bluecat - 10/15/2020
"Lets just build a little ground blind and see what happens."

Luv2 could see the rabbit go up and down so together they gathered up some limbs and brush and built a little fort.

Within 10 minutes both were fast asleep and snoring their asses off. Luv2 was dreaming and would occasionally blurt something out from one of his dreams.

"I'll have her home by midnight sir."

"Trust me, I know what I'm doing."

"Hoyt bows really are the best."

"I flunked third grade."

"I sit when I pee."

"You are the only one for me. More punch?"

"..."
71.) Swamp Fox - 10/15/2020
Around 11 o'clock, some loud crunching and some rustling out in front of them woke them from slumber. Was it a buck approaching, at long last?

Their ground blind overlooked a bench below, a good spot to ambush a big 'un traveling through on the side-hill, they'd thought.

It was a good, sturdy bench, from back in the day when America made good benches; one of those heavy wrought iron and wood antiques some high school boys had stolen years ago from the old train station and brought up here to this secret and secluded site.

The bench needed to be sturdy because sitting on it now was a small mountain of a man---not a large hill of a human, but a true mountain of a man, although of moderate elevation.
72.) Swamp Fox - 10/15/2020
Like a wide, squat Forrest Gump waiting for the bus at the courthouse square, concerned about nothing, the Eagles fan was noisily digging into a party-sized bag of Cheetos, his lips and fingers and much of his green sweatshirt covered in orange dust.

He was massive, thought Alex. Bigger even than that behemoth in the Daisy Dukes he'd photographed once that Bluecat kept writing letters to, though it was close. (She'd graduated high school soon after and was a buyer for the meat department at Piggly Wiggly corporate headquarters now, as he recalled.)
73.) Swamp Fox - 10/15/2020
Meanwhile, Luv2 was making his own assessment. Just like when he was looking over a four pointer and guessing his age and weight and what he'd had for breakfast, Luv ran his calculating eyes all over the Eagles fan. The .30-06 was propped up against the bench and one of the Timberlands was untied at the top with the laces tucked in. The lederhosen were a little snug-fitting, he noticed.

He didn't know what that meant that he'd noticed, but he noticed he'd noticed.

Probably drives a cement mixer, Luv scowled, by the looks of him.

Luv2 hated those guys. Always telling him not to look in the drums and never letting him watch the actual pouring. He never could tell what they were hiding. He'd said something to his boss about it one time and his boss said, "Keep yer nose out of it," and Luv2 had laughed because he thought that was a funny expression, especially in this case.


But then his boss asked him if he thought he was funny and got more and more belligerent and kept asking if he thought he was funny, until finally Luv2 had to leave the room and use the facilities.
74.) Swamp Fox - 10/15/2020
That was then though, and he'd left the issue alone ever since. Now, Luv2 was determined to see if this guy had anything to do with the shooting that morning. His spidey-sense for nosing out crime, corruption and chaos had been tickled once more, plus the lederhosen were really bothering him.

He turned to Alex and began to outline a plan involving ...
75.) Swamp Fox - 10/15/2020
...a large wooden rabbit on wheels that they would build quickly behind those trees over there and then one of them would push it up to the bench and the other one would jump out when the Eagles fan wasn't looking.

But then ....
76.) bluecat - 10/15/2020
Alex, who was smart in the ways of woodsmanship suggested a large wooden badger would be better. Luv2 crinkled his brow, thought for a moment, and agreed. One large wooden badger coming up.
So both of them split up so they could cut and mill all lumber necessary to create the immense wooden decoy.

There was a great clamoring in the woods. Sounds of distant chainsaws, pneumatic hammer guns and table saws were evident. After several hours the badger was completed.

Because it was large it was necessary that both of them push the badger close to the bench. They struggled mightly but finally had the badger in place next to the bench when Eagle man wasn't looking and then both ran back to the ground blind to watch one of them pop out. Um, wait, they were both in the ground blind. Oops.
77.) Swamp Fox - 10/15/2020
"Do you think this scene should have been cut?" asked Alex.
,
"It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think," said Luv2.

"At least ours was better visually!" came a loud echo-ey voice from far across the valley, sounding strangely like Madge from the Waffle House.

"At least ours was committed!" someone yelled from down below. "It wasn't just a string of Monty Python jokes!"

"Cops," muttered Luv2, and rolled his eye. "No sense of humor."

"Get on with it!" boomed a voice from above, which neither of them could identify.
78.) Swamp Fox - 10/15/2020
So, this time, Luv2 came up with a simpler plan, where carpentry skills would not be required.

He was finally glad he'd taken that taxidermy class at the community college, because instead of just mounting more road-killed raccoons and the fist-sized sunfish he was so good at catching, he could now put his skill to use on a giant hollow black bear with real fur, if he could find one.


He turned to Alex and whispered ...
79.) bluecat - 10/15/2020
"Hey, when all this is over, you want to come back to my place for a few drinks?"
80.) Swamp Fox - 10/15/2020
LOL ....:cool::p
81.) bluecat - 10/15/2020
Alex gave Luv2 a big slug on the arm. "Quit joking around, we've got work to do." So they started looking on google for a hollow bear mold.
82.) Swamp Fox - 10/15/2020
Alex had to admit that he'd thought abut Luv2's offer for just a few seconds longer than he thought he would have. Though this bear thing wasn't going to be easy and would very likely draw them closer together in some kind of weird bond, he'd have to remember who he was dealing with here.

"This guy's a menace," Alex reminded himself. "He'll get me to his place and then prank-call my family and play it back for me on his answering machine ... I bet he knows how to do that! Or something worse!"

"He might even pull some levers and flip some switches and disappear the forums altogether!"

Alex contemplated the horror.

"That's unimaginable! I've not gone through 25 years and six generations of SomethingHuntingRelated(Or Not)Country.com for nothing! I must resist!" he swore, and noticed he was drawing blood where his hand was clenching his thigh through the insulated down layers of his snowmobile suit.
83.) Swamp Fox - 10/15/2020
Coincidentally but completely predictably, Luv2 was also thinking of prank-calling Alex's house at that very moment. He'd wait until their next nap, he thought, and then ... It would be something about an old uncovered well, hidden deep in the woods, he mused, and he'd throw a dog in there for effect.

He didn't mean he'd throw a dog in the well (not that he wasn't capable of that); He meant he'd throw a dog in the picture; into the scene as it were. Like Lassie.

He could do a pretty good collie bark, but it would be funnier if it was a chihuahua, he thought ... He'd have to think about it some more, but the plan ----if not hatched---began to peck at the shell, soon to break out.
84.) Swamp Fox - 10/15/2020
But that wasn't important right now. Right now, they had to find a hollow black bear mold, and then a black bear. And then one of them would have to shoot the bear with his bow, or shoot it with one of their own.

He was on the fence about the right to arm bears, but this whole mess they were in right now would be a lot simpler if the animal rights activists from Philly and Harrisburg and the last of the Mohicans from up around the casinos weren't handing out bear bows at all the county dumpsters and the Dunkin Donuts.

One thing to consider, he thought, was ...
85.) Swamp Fox - 10/15/2020
.... just how good a bear bow could be against his own ninja skills, since it seemed like bears had big paws and would probably have a little trouble shooting a release. Back tension was probably right out, he thought, but maybe fingers and a tab ...

He asked Alex about this, and caught him off guard.

"I didn't even know they were still making Bear bows," said Alex.

"Do you even archery, bro?" disdained Luv2. "They're all over the internet. There's a waiting list, for God's sake! PETA can't keep up with demand. Half these bears aren't going to get the bows they ordered back in May until they come out of hibernation NEXT year! It's like saddle hunting equipment!" he exclaimed with disgust.

"I hear Oneida's coming back..." Alex offered by way of apology.

"Oh, sure! Oneida! Very nice! Clean up the downtown, did they? I spent a week in Oneida one night...."
86.) bluecat - 10/16/2020
They began the search on Google and Amazon for a bear mold. After a while, Alex heard Luv2 make some sort of satisfied grunt and looked over at Luv2's phone to see what Luv2 had found. Luv2 was looking at mens thong underwear.

"Do you think those would make me look fat?", pointing a bony finger at some sheer thong underwear for the 'adventurous man'.

"You could [I]use[/I] a little fat.", Alex stated matter of factly.

"Can you just please for once, stay on task?" Alex pleaded.

"I just want to hunt. This is much too silly to be looking for moldy bears and solving crimes.", Luv2 murmered.

"I'll meet you right here at dusk to descend to the parking lot. Good luck and pick a spot."

And with that Luv2 picked up his Bear bow, with clicker button, and traipsed off into the woods.
87.) Swamp Fox - 10/17/2020
Alex sat there in the ground blind in silence, which he rather enjoyed.

Below, the Eagles fan continued to eat Cheetos, noisily.

It seemed to Alex now that there were some things in life that were more important than deer hunting, or staying on topic. He wasn't sure what those would be, but with Luv2 gone he'd at least have the opportunity to think clearly.

It was true that Amazon could probably drop a bear mold right on top of their heads with a drone, even in this wilderness area with a Waffle House nearby. There were no frontiers anymore, he sighed.

But Amazon couldn't kill a bear for them, or skin it, or tan a hair-on hide to use to sneak up on an Eagles fan. That would take woodsmen like him, and maybe like Luv2, too.

On the other hand, he thought, Amazon probably had the man-, woman-, or non-binary gender power to chew a hide into a supple leather so he could get a couple of pair of nice moccasins to wear around the house out of the deal, and forget all this other nonsense.

He was torn.

Suddenly, below the bench, Alex noticed .....
88.) bluecat - 10/17/2020
A Hunting Country t-shirt. Now it was all starting to make sense.
89.) Swamp Fox - 10/18/2020
Alex looked at the t-shirt through his binoculars, which his brother Mike had re-gifted him after doing a three-star product review in [I]Western New York Bow-Fisher Magazine[/I], which had gone belly-up four times but was now under new management, so it had that going for them, which was nice ...

Apparently, everything you looked at through these binoculars seemed kind of watery, but they was intentionally designed that way for carp archers and was supposed to eliminate the need to remind yourself to aim low. That's what the package said, anyway.

But what the heck. They was gratis from the manufacturer, an American company that proudly designed hunting gear here in the United States but then threw pride to the wind and got some foreign knuckleheads to actually make the stuff. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but proudly re-gifting definitely seemed like the thing to do once Mike had gotten three or four boatloads of yummy carp out of the deal.

Staring intently though the binos, through the undulating ripples Alex thought he could make out a cleverly camouflaged bear trap under the HuntingCountry T-Shirt. Some unlucky bastard who couldn't resist hunting swag was going to learn the hard way that there's no such thing as a free lunch, Alex thought grimly.

He hoped it wouldn't be a lesson like putting the lotion on its skin, or something about a hose, but he couldn't think about that right now.

Right now, he had to ....
90.) bluecat - 10/19/2020
see a man about a horse...

He found a suitable bush that was worthy of a good soaking. He even found a small colony of ants that could easily be flooded and destroyed by an act of nature. It would give Alex great pleasure in watching them scurry for their lives as Alex held their fate in his right hand. As Alex was watering the area giving certain ants more pressure than others, he saw a discarded tootsie roll wrapper. 'Litterbug' Alex thought as he bent over to pick it up while still delivering the stream of death. Just then he heard a soft grunt.
Using only his eyes, he surveyed the area. A nice spike buck was watching him with curiosity.

If he could just ease the safety off his crossbow he might have a chance. He brought the crosshair up, leveled off and...
91.) Swamp Fox - 10/20/2020
punched the trigger...

It didn't matter that to be able to shoot he'd freed Willy and was semi-involuntarily yet enthusiastically peeing all over his snowmobile suit.

The only thing that mattered now was the flight of the a̶r̶r̶o̶w̶ bolt, and ...
92.) bluecat - 10/20/2020
God's good fortune. The bolt fishtailed wildly but managed to pass through the small buck and stuck in a tree beyond. The buck turned and prepared to launch and then it was over. Success! Somehow Alex was able to shoot a buck with all the commotion going on.

Alex immediately called Luv2 on the phone as he was only familiar with the anatomy of cows and didn't know the first thing about gutting and quartering a deer. He heard that the first thing you need to do is take the arrow out of the animal. A wise bowhunter told him that. You also need to stick the tongue back in its mouth for pictures.

Alex called up Luv2. "Hey, I shot a buck."
"What?"
"I know, right?"
"Can you help me gut it?"
"I've got a manual that guides you step by step. Some of the pages are covered with crap. But together we should be able to muddle through."
"Bring the rest of your tootsie rolls."

With that Alex hung up the phone. He next placed a call to...
93.) bluecat - 10/21/2020
Luv2 again. Only this time he pretended to be the IRS.

"Yes, this is the IRS and there has been some suspicious activity on your account. Please call our office immediately to avoid any legal litigation."

"Alex, I know it's you."

Click
94.) bluecat - 10/22/2020
When Luv2 arrived he was miffed that he was yet again distracted from hunting. He pulled out a giant bowie style knife and said proudly, "Let's do this."

Alex held the legs apart as Luv2 began stabbing at the flesh. The temperatures had gotten warm and in the time it took for Luv2 to return to Alex, the stomach had bloated tremendously. As Alex was reading from the manual about gently separating the hide, there was a horrific sound that sounded like a bigfoot fart. Luv2 had cut through the guts and was completed soaked in green stomach contents. Luv2 calmly stated that it was no big deal and this happens all the time. As he leaned over the carcass showing Alex various organs, his cell phone fell out of his chest pocket and landed somewhere in the cavity.

Alex saw the opportunity and while Luv2 wasn't looking, Alex dialed Luv2's phone. The sound of the Luv2's phone ringing somewhere in the bowels of that deer and Luv2 digging ferociously to answer was a sight to behold.
95.) bluecat - 10/22/2020
Luv2 was up to his elbows in thick green goo but finally located his phone. He answered only to hear it was the IRS again. He threw the phone at Alex who was able to duck but the phone hit the rabbit fur and knocked it off his head. As Luv2 was getting up he slipped on the colon and went down hard - this time lodging his head somewhere between the liver and the lungs. As he reared his head up out the offal, the spleen got caught on his ear. It looked like a chinstrap dangling off his face.

"Don't forget the tenderloins", Luv2 said expertly. "They're really good."
96.) Swamp Fox - 10/22/2020
Something about Alex with the rabbit off his head made Luv2 think (once). First, he was glad he'd joined the Hair Club For Men early, because ---now-- look at the alternative. Luv's hair was thinning, but not to the point that he needed a furry animal on his head.

At one point he'd tried a possum, though, just to see if he could pull it off, and all he got for his fashion experiment was badly scratched and a lot of snot all over him.

After that, he'd tried a dead coyote with the head on, the way you see in mountain man movies and Washington Redskins games when they play at the Minnesota Vikings, but the girls at the Kroger just laughed at him.

Luv2 then and there decided that the best hat for him would be one like Alex's, but dialed up to 11. He needed a fierce-looking rabbit with nasty, big, pointy teeth, and he had an idea where to find one ...
97.) Swamp Fox - 10/22/2020
But first, they needed to deal with the Eagles fan, who was still sitting on the bench below. The Cheetos had apparently masked all their commotion. Perhaps they were the Crunchy Cheetos, rather than the Puffs. That might explain things. But Luv2 didn't know, and neither did Alex. They would have to check with the narrator. He would know.

All Alex and Luv knew was that *something* had prevented the Eagles fan from noticing all the racket not far above him, and now they decided they should not press their luck. They would try to be vewwy, vewwy qwiet getting Alex's young, technically male deer down to either the Miata or Alex's truck.

Communicating with only their eyes and hand signals, Alex and Luv2 began dragging the deer down toward the parking area, but ...
98.) Swamp Fox - 10/22/2020
Alex kept misinterpreting the hand signals. Plus, watching Luv2's eyes, he could have sworn that Luv2 was flirting with him. It all made for a slow drag, to say nothing of the awkwardness.

At one point, to avoid being noticed by the Eagles fan, they decided they need to go uphill and around a knob before proceeding back downhill.

This was not uncommon when hunting in the mountains, Luv2 told Alex, but Alex wondered how common it was in the hills.

After an hour of huffing and puffing, the two came to a trail junction. There they greeted a stranger sitting in a ground blind with some type of elaborate turkey decoy choreography out in front of him. There were toms, jakes, hens as well as trans-gendered and gender-confused decoys everywhere, plus a couple of wombats sharing a joint around a replica of a small in-ground swimming pool, with the Aflac duck and a mongoose off to the side to make everything seem natural.

The stranger introduced himself as something named CRoOkEdEye, but Luv2 wasn't sure if he'd heard it right and Alex was unsure how to spell it. But they listened patiently as the stanger laid out his theory of the hunt, and his whys and wherefores as to how he'd organized his trap of doom.

Meanwhile, CRooKEdeyE was sizing them up, too. He noticed they'd been dragging their deer by the back legs this whole time, against the hair on the hide.

He debated whether to tell them. Nebraska football wan't hitting on much lately, so all he had to survive on these days was bike rides around the municipal lake and people like these on the internet. (And the pest extermination business he'd just started, he reminded himself... But with millipede season over for now it was like all the air was out of his tires, all the joy sucked right out of him until next summer.)

Finally, he decided to do the right thing no matter what his mother had taught him, and blurted out to the two: "You're dragging that deer the wrong way!" ... So they thanked him and started dragging the deer back the way they had come ...


Meanwhile ...
99.) bluecat - 10/22/2020
CRoOkEdEye doubled down on his decoy spread and brought out a deer decoy with feathers on it. It was a deer that was identifying as a turkey that day. It's the latest fad. CE chuckled to himself as he affixed a Harris/Biden sticker on the deer's ass.
100.) Swamp Fox - 10/22/2020
He retreated to his darkened blind and rearranged everything inside again. Every time he got in or out of the blind he had to rearrange the recliner he'd stolen from the pool at the student center at the University of Kansas. It was a pain in the ass, but better than the one he'd stolen from the YMCA in Omaha.

Over the years, CrOoKEdEye had spent months on the internet trying to find the perfect blind chair, only to learn that ...
101.) Swamp Fox - 10/22/2020
it was like that R.E.M. song that was the only one he could make out the lyrics to.

If he was going to hurt in a ground blind, CE decided the best thing to do was to spread the pain between this swimming pool chaise and the two-legged stool that his grandfather had used to milk cows back in the day. Actually, back in the day, it had been a fairly comfortable three-legged stool, but his grandfather had lost a leg in a tractor accident, and CE thought it a point of pride to balance on the remaining two legs while drawing back his beloved Hoyt Preztel these days.

He counted the incredibly smooth Hoyt among his prized possessions, along with his thermos, his friends, and his Costco shotgun that ejected both the second and fourth shells whether the plug was in or not.

He'd been lucky in hunting, he thought,, because ....
102.) bluecat - 10/23/2020
he'd had the chance to shoot at lots of things over his lifetime. Seldom killed much but he could trade lead with anything.
103.) Swamp Fox - 10/23/2020
"Buzzards gotta eat, same as skwirls," he thought rustically, and watched the other two hapless nimrods drag their deer back the way they had come.

Suddenly, he caught a motion out of the corner of his left eye. If he'd been sitting upright, it would have been the lower corner of his left eye, but since he was lounging back in his pool chair and the movement was uphill, it was more like the upper corner.

But I mean, like, who really nos all this stuff anyway?

To CrOoKeDeYe, it looked like a fire plug in a Phlladelphia Eagles sweatshirt. He watched as the fireplug seemed to shadow the two guys dragging the deer down the mountain. Alex and Luv2. CE suddenly remembered their names , but still couldn't remember the name of that Canadian girl who sang so sweet. It didn't look like Alex and Luv2 knew they were being followed, and for some reason CE got a sudden urge to can curry.

He watched the scene unfolding through the 2 X 15 binoculars he'd inherited from his uncle, who had been in the old Polish Navy. He suddenly realized why the new Polish Navy built glass-bottomed boats. He thought it would be incredibly cool to view the old Italian Navy that way, and marveled at the Old World craftsmanship of the binoculars, the Polish Navy, and his ancestors.


He swore never to give away his brother's pirogue recipe.

Meanwhille, the Eagles fan followed Luv2 and Alex down the slope undetected and ....
104.) bluecat - 10/23/2020
after awhile they sensed they were being followed. Luv2 turned and asked.

Are you really an Eagles fan?
"Why yes I am."
"Didn't the fans boo Santa one time?"
"He deserved it."
Don't you guys throw snowballs with batteries inside them?
"Of course."

"You are awesome." Luv2 replied.
105.) Swamp Fox - 10/25/2020
They continued down the slope, and finally arrived at the parking area.

They could have thrown the deer down into Alex's lifted El Camino, but the Eagles fan suggested they quarter the deer and put it in a cooler, as the temperatures were rising into the 60s and Alex had mentioned he was sweating through his snowmobile suit. The boys thought this was a good idea, and then got carried away with a little encouragement to not only quarter the deer but to cut it up into rounds and loins and stew meat and whatnot.

Luv2 confessed he especially loved whatnot, especially in a warm cream gravy made with the products from any cow named Hilda or Helga or Dagmar.

Finally, when they got everything butchered and wrapped and on ice, the Eagles fan leveled the .30-06, encouraged them to load the cooler into his 2018 Dodge Ram pick-up, and off he went down the road in an insulting spray of gravel.

The boys stood there in silence for a few moments.

Finally, Alex cursed. "Damn! And he took my cooler, too."

Luv2 just stood there with his mouth open. He'd heard of such things happening in Pennsylvania, but this was even worse than the time he ...
106.) crookedeye - 10/25/2020
heading out a week from yesterday..looking foward to it got a quiver full of megameats and my new hoyt
107.) crookedeye - 10/25/2020
im almost excited as luv2 was when he got his tree saddle
108.) Swamp Fox - 10/25/2020
LOL ... Which Hoyt are you shooting? The traditional Pretzel or the Rold Gold?

The narrators want to know...

:wink



Good luck to you! :grin:
109.) bluecat - 10/26/2020
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;62198]

Luv2 just stood there with his mouth open. He'd heard of such things happening in Pennsylvania, but this was even worse than the time he ...[/QUOTE]

got caught looking up the skirt of Mrs. Santa Claus as she was introducing her husband at the school's Christmas play. Santa caught him looking and made quite a scene in front of all the kids in the school auditorium. Santa called Luv2 out and told the audience over the loudspeaker that he was a big loser and wouldn't amount to much in his life. Even went so far to say that he could only expect to be a fry cook or a tilt-o-whirl operator or work with rocks and gravel. What really stung is when Luv2 looked up in the bleachers his own mother was leading the crowd with the cheer of 'L' ,'O', 'S', 'E', 'R'.

The kids were so cruel to him after that too. They called him "granny lover" for the rest of his days at high school. They filled his locker with dentures and coal one time as a cruel reminder of the time he tried to catch a sneak peak. After that Luv2 could never enjoy Christmas the way other people do - often taking money out of donation buckets saying that Christmas owed [I]him[/I]. He would shoot out his neighbor's Christmas lights with his pellet gun and steal reindeer lawn ornaments and use them as archery targets. He vowed one day to have his revenge.

His attention turned back to the present day where he's been stopped by the Highway Patrol twice, stared directly down the barrel of an officer's duty weapon who was not racist and mostly peaceful, almost got tased, been covered in feces from head to toe, had a violent wretching episode and almost hung himself. Santa's prediction of Luv2's life was spot on. He really hadn't done anything in life he had set out to do but he wasn't going to let that realization spoil his hunt now.

So Alex and Luv2 put their heads together (figuratively as just putting two melons together wouldn't serve any purpose) and made a plan...
110.) bluecat - 10/28/2020
to continue to hunt. Alex would illegally pretend that he hadn't killed any deer yet and Luv2 would head up the ridge and squat next to a bush and hope for some action. They split up and agreed to meet at the parking lot at dark. As Luv2 was sitting next to the bush he had a chance to reflect more on his life. He felt remorse he hadn't gone after two of the most important things he wanted to accomplish. He wanted massive pipes and a Hoyt bow. Oh, he'd tried with the arm thing, drank all the right protein shakes and covered his little sticks with oil but nothing grew. He wanted pipes the size of BULLZ_i. If he had had big arms, he would have had a better life, better car and be a better hunter. Gigantic arms would have opened up new opportunites for him to where he wouldn't have felt the need to be an outcast on a rarely visited website.

He had also wanted to own a Hoyt bow like the Drury brothers when they were shilling Hoyt at the time. He imagined holding that bow with his big pipes and feeling the admiration from other hunters and underage girls. Someday, he muttered to himself, I'll own a Hoyt. He looked down at his Bear Whitetail and he died a little inside. Just then...
111.) bluecat - 10/29/2020
Luv2 saw something out of the corner of his eye - his right eye, lower, but normally he's hanging upside down so that would be upper left eye. Finally he decided to cross his eyes, squint and keep his one good-eye closed. It was a doe and spotted fawn with the fawn suckling on its mother. It was times like these that Luv2 was glad he'd read the latest Outdoor Life and settled in to take the shot. 'Pick a spot' kept replaying in his mind and finally he understood where that saying came from. So he picked a spot on the fawn. Should he risk shooting the fawn and maybe hit it's mother too? 'Bonus deer', Luv2 thought.

The arrow fishtailed wildly and hit a tree. It didn't have enough force to actually stick in the tree so it fell limply to the ground, broken and missing two vanes. The deer were amused and slowly walked away.
Luv2 wasn't totally convinced he missed so he was going to give those deer some time like he'd seen the Drurys do. He got out a liverwurst sandwhich from his pack and began to eat.
112.) Swamp Fox - 10/30/2020
He reflected.

His had been a cruel life, but fair. The realization hit him like a Schwacker broadhead impacting a plywood board, if impacting were a real word.

He thought perhaps the one thing he could change in his life would be to switch from hard cider to cigarillos or name-brand cheese.

"That might be two things," he thought.

Maybe that/those would make a difference...

"Maybe *they* would make a difference," he concluded.

"Let me come in again," he murmured under his breath while rolling his eye.

He made a mental note to check the Mayo Clinic's website when he got home.
113.) Swamp Fox - 10/30/2020
Of course, he thought, things could be worse. He could live in one of the country's best big-buck states and not be allowed to actually bring a big buck back to the house. Oh, sure, it would be okay if the big buck was already in manageable pieces and hidden in butcher paper wrap .... And maybe it might be okay if a head went on the wall in the garage as long as it was only one or two of them and you weren't looking right at it when you drove the mini-van in ....

Luv2 realized hunting gave him a lot of time to think, and now he could almost smell the wood a-burnin' ...

He had a lot of friends worse off than him...

For example, there was ...
114.) bluecat - 10/30/2020
Swamp Fox. He is a friendly feller but he probably has to deliver extra papers to feed all those cats. Then there is CRookEdEye, who lives in the land of milk and honey but the only thing that grows big there are the centipedes. BULLZ-i has those tremendous tree-trunks for arms but his head is misshapen. DParker has all those electronic gadgets and that cooking thingy but c'mon, Texas? bluecat is probably the closest to perfection he could think of but has some really messed up fetishes about fattys and high heels. So yes, he didn't have it as bad as them but...

just then he started to feel a little queasy from the liverwurst. Now liverwurst has a unique flavor when fresh. It REALLY smells unique when it has been in a pack all day with no refrigeration. He needed a little something to clear his throat and eyed a familiar shrub with purple berries. Ah, yes, elderberries! So Luv2 chowed down on the bitter berries to help with the liverwurst. As he was sitting there grazing on elderberries, he noticed his hands and arms started itching. After a few minutes of itching he noticed the familiar small bumps forming. No! It couldn't be. Those grape vines from Post #29 shouldn't have caused rashes and itching. He was also not only queasy but now a little dizzy. He'd heard of a plant called pokeberry that is poisonoous and looks similar to elderberry. All of these bad judgements were starting to rain down on him. He crawled around on his knees, itching, vomiting and foaming at the mouth. His eyes were starting to swell shut from the poisons and he crawled right into a bristly greenbriar patch. The sharp pain from all of the needles seemed to jolt him to his senses. He thought he should probably give Alex a call to bail him out again. Alex would know what to do.

He dialed the phone.

"Hello."

"Yes, this is Citibank Visa and it looks like there is some unauthorized activity on your card."

"Luv2, you son of a bitch!"

"Don't hang up, I'm in a bad way."
115.) Swamp Fox - 11/01/2020
LOL ...
116.) Swamp Fox - 11/01/2020
[QUOTE=bluecat;62239]
He dialed the phone.

"Hello."

"Yes, this is Citibank Visa and it looks like there is some unauthorized activity on your card."

"Luv2, you son of a bitch!"

"Don't hang up, I'm in a bad way."[/QUOTE]


"What is it now?" Alex exasperated, rolling both his eyes.

"Poke salad, and I ..." began Luv2 weakly, holding down his guts only by the strength of his trachea muscles, which he had been focusing on at the gym after "the incident" on SaddleHunting.com....


But before he could finish, Alex interrupted:


"Poke Salad Annie? Poke Salad Annie??? You call me about an old song like that while I'm trying to concentrate on hunting? Bastard! ---Why can’t you ever stay on topic!"

'Put it in Podunk!' Alex almost added, but he caught himself just in time. He couldn't give himself away at this point.

He'd have to find a way to help Luv2 without revealing that they were virtual arch enemies, or virtually frenemies, or something like that ...

If it weren’t for the damn forum, Alex thought, he could …
117.) Swamp Fox - 11/01/2020
...disappear into the jungles of Guatemala for the rest of his days, hunting the elusive chupacabra --which may or may not exist there-- or maybe move to Mexico and live in a grass hut and open a conch stand on the beach ...

But no. The forum demanded all of his time. It was tough enough clicking on this or that button to keep things running smoothly, but there was also always the ...
118.) bluecat - 11/02/2020
urge to prep and arrange Christmas ornaments. Alex was the king of prepping. All the townspeople from his one-horse town called him Dr. Prepper. He would walk around his compound and point at the farm animals and say "I'm a prepper, you're a prepper." He had mre's for the next 200 years, toilet paper and plenty of spam. Not as much as spam, spam, spam, but spam spam nonetheless.

He made it to Luv2 quickly so he could see what all the fuss was about. He found Luv2 on his knees and wretching violently in between scratching his arms which were now inflamed and bright red. Being a keen woodsman he knew just what to do. He dissappeared into the woods and returned with a handful of toadstools. He announced to Luv2 that these would alleviate the itching and quiet his stomach from the poisons Luv2 ingests so frequently.

"What are they?"

"Um, mushrooms?"

"That don't look like no mushroom."

"It's very similar to a mushroom. Call it a poor man's mushroom."

"You better call me an ambulance if it don't work."

Luv2 voraciously ate the toadstools and sat back.

Within moments Luv2 seemed to be floating and looking down at the both of them.

He knew he needed some cold water to help him through all of this so followed the terrain looking for a stream. He could hear what sounded like Voodoo Chile and running water and continued.
Soon he found a small stream with clear cold water and began splashing the water across his arms and face as his eyes were almost swollen shut. It was the relief he needed. Looking around he noticed a lot of large copper kettles, 5 gallon buckets that were sprayed with camouflage paint, drums of corn, boxes of mason jars and copper tubing. He'd heard about places like this. Just then he heard a voice.

"Son, you got no business being in these woods."
Luv2 looked at a hideous mountain man who was surveying him from head to toe.
Mountain man was chewing on a dark gooey substance that was either chewing tobacco or worm bedding. He would spit a stream of tar-like goo on the ground and wipe the residual off his chin.

"I'm hunting deer.", Luv2 got out weakly.

"There ain't been a decent deer killed in these mountains for 25 years. You've got a pretty posterior."

Luv2 wasn't exactly sure what the word posterior meant but he had heard that term in his 8th grade biology class which he'd flunked for taking undo liberties with the lab rats.

Then mountain man held up a large orange object.

"You know what this is? It's the Butt Out II."

Luv2 gasped, he used to dream of having the Butt Out II. It was new and improved and much much better than the first Butt Out by a longshot. It was larger, oranger and could pull out the pooper even faster.

"I'm going to use it on you!"

When mountain man grinned, it was a toothless display of rotting flesh and spittel.

Luv2 began screaming, no!

"Luv2, wake up! You've been dreaming!"

Luv2 looked up and saw a rabbit hovering over him with big pointy teeth.

"It's me Alex."

Luv2 gathered himself enough to realize that Alex was speaking to him but it seemed like he was a thousand miles away.
119.) Swamp Fox - 11/03/2020
And yet he seemed close, somehow. Yeah, he'd seen this guy somewhere before.

Was it at the Waffle House?

Possibly.

But that wasn't what was ringing a bell ---silently, but loudly--- in the back of his head.

No. it was a photo. The image drifted in front of his eyes... Mostly one eye ... Stairs. A porch. A guy with rabbit on his head and some other weird-looking guys, posing for a picture...
120.) Swamp Fox - 11/03/2020
He was sure he knew this guy from somewhere now... It was just a matter of the mushrooms wearing off and he bet he could put his finger on it ...


Luv2 struggled to regain control of his mind...It was difficult after 20 years of semi-active membership on a bowhunting forum, never-mind the mushrooms ...

And now he knew there was a reason he'd never traveled south of Harper's Ferry, except to visit the Outer Banks... There were no moonshiners at the beach (that he'd heard of), though it would have been an equally tense evening for him if he'd run up on some pirates, or even some descendants of pirates...
121.) Swamp Fox - 11/03/2020
It was a silly place all over down there, he thought, and suddenly he thought of Texas, but did not know why. Did Texas have pirates?

Maybe in Houston ... Most definitely in Austin, from all reports, and Dallas was leaning that way... "The Metroplex" sounded very pirate-y to Luv2 and also to everyone else in the country.

"Have I ever been to Texas?" Luv2 asked himself. He had a lot of questions in his head. "Have I ever been invited?"

Not a lot of rhododendron, he thought, and an image of a man with a rabbit on his head appeared to him again.
122.) Swamp Fox - 11/03/2020
It was all starting to make sense ...
123.) bluecat - 11/03/2020
"Wait a minute." Luv2 whispered to himself.

Then he dug into his pants pocket and pulled out his wallet, blew off the dust and began rummaging.

hmm,
expired coupon for one free whopper when you buy the first one at full cost,
phone number from Madge at the waffle house who had big, um, [imagining his hands cupped] stacks,
fast pass from Disney World 1983,
Gold's gym membership application, 1980,
[I]I Voted for Hillary[/I] sticker,
shirtless picture of himself washing Miata (taking time to gaze longingly),
locker combination from middle school,
business card from Girls Girls Girls - A Gentleman's Club,
ticket stub to Cats,
restraining order from second grade teacher,
court ordered community service voucher regarding chicken ranch,
Chinese cookie fortune, [I]Those that go through turnstile sidways going to Bangkok.[/I]
Cabelas receipt for TM hunter rest from 1991,
Hair Club for Men money back guarantee refund check,
Drury brothers autograph from Harrisburg convention center,
prescription refill for Viagra,
Chuckie Cheese skee ball token,
participation ribbon for 6th grade kickball tournament,
picture of old girlfriend complete with mustache, sideburns and widows peak drawn in Sharpie,
jury summons,

and there it was...

a picture of Alex with his stupid looking hat next to all the other deplorables.

"I [I]knew[/I] it.", he exclaimed.
124.) Swamp Fox - 11/04/2020
LOL ...


+9
125.) Swamp Fox - 11/05/2020
Magic 8 Ball says, "Clean out your inbox, because you can't get replies otherwise."


Also, the answer rhymes with ___ ____ ....
126.) bluecat - 11/05/2020
Bring it.
127.) bluecat - 11/06/2020
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;62254]Magic 8 Ball says, "Clean out your inbox, because you can't get replies otherwise."


Also, the answer rhymes with ___ ____ ....[/QUOTE]

Is arse hole one word or two?
128.) Swamp Fox - 11/06/2020
I think it can go both ways (:shocked::shh:).


But I was simply an English major, not a British English major ....
129.) Swamp Fox - 11/06/2020
[QUOTE=bluecat;62252]"Wait a minute." Luv2 whispered to himself.

Then he dug into his pants pocket and pulled out his wallet, blew off the dust and began rummaging.

hmm,
expired coupon for one free whopper when you buy the first one at full cost,
phone number from Madge at the waffle house who had big, um, [imagining his hands cupped] stacks,
fast pass from Disney World 1983,
Gold's gym membership application, 1980,
[I]I Voted for Hillary[/I] sticker,
shirtless picture of himself washing Miata (taking time to gaze longingly),
locker combination from middle school,
business card from Girls Girls Girls - A Gentleman's Club,
ticket stub to Cats,
restraining order from second grade teacher,
court ordered community service voucher regarding chicken ranch,
Chinese cookie fortune, [I]Those that go through turnstile sidways going to Bangkok.[/I]
Cabelas receipt for TM hunter rest from 1991,
Hair Club for Men money back guarantee refund check,
Drury brothers autograph from Harrisburg convention center,
prescription refill for Viagra,
Chuckie Cheese skee ball token,
participation ribbon for 6th grade kickball tournament,
picture of old girlfriend complete with mustache, sideburns and widows peak drawn in Sharpie,
jury summons,

and there it was...

a picture of Alex with his stupid looking hat next to all the other deplorables.

"I [I]knew[/I] it.", he exclaimed.[/QUOTE]


"He *does* look a lot better with hair on his head!"

But that wasn't important right now, Luv2 had to remind himself.

It was getting on toward Third Breakfast or Second Lunch, depending on whether you were a hobbit or an elf in either virtual or real life.

(Luv2 "normally" identified as a hobbit, but had to admit he'd felt a strange attraction to some elf chicks at ComicCon over the years, which he was smart enough to realize could have been deep-seated, ancient biological same-species attraction. He resolved to dig deeper toward the roots of his family tree, and noted that at the moment he had a strange hankering for some cookies.)
130.) Swamp Fox - 11/06/2020
"Let's go into town for some snacks and Gatorade," Luv2 said to Alex, emerging slowly from his fog.

"I don't need anything," Alex replied stubbornly. "You look like you could use a doctor, though."

"I've got a doctor back home," answered Luv2. "Dr. Vinnie Boombatz. But that's not important right now. You can get some avocados and some gluten-free crackers, and we can stop by the police station and get my ebike out of the impound while we're there."

"I'll give you a ride up the hill ... I mean mountain ... when we get back. We've only got a few more hours to git r done today....." he added.
131.) Swamp Fox - 11/06/2020
Luv2 did not know why he was channeling Larry The Cable Guy all of a sudden, but he put it down to all the hunting shows he'd been watching lately.

He'd picked up some rustic expressions from these, and some really annoying verbal diarrhea that mostly millennials used, and his wife had threatened to leave him just a month or so ago if he ever again said ...
132.) bluecat - 11/06/2020
"totes magotes". Luv2 like to speak "woke" although he didn't really understand what it all meant. When he was showing off his bike to the neighborhood kids they told him it was "dope". It really depressed Luv2 for days until someone told him that "dope (90's)" = "rad" (60's) or "bitchin" (70's). Luv2 understood the 70's. It was the 20's that made Luv2 struggle. He told his wife that she was "bae", to which he had to sleep on the couch until he convinced her it was a good thing. No doubt about it Luv2 is cray cray. Luv2 made a mental note to get an expression translator dictionary when he got back to civilization so he wouldn't get canceled.

Luv2 was a little worried about going to the police station as his picture was prominently displayed on the bulletin board in the foyer with the heading...
133.) Swamp Fox - 11/07/2020
[B][SIZE=2]"Not Wanted: Weirdo, but a waste of time." [/SIZE][/B]

Apparently, the FBI had gotten involved, since they were into everything these days.

But the pair bravely rode into town in Alex's lifted El Camino. Luv2 commented about the small piebald pigskin dangling on some fishing line from the rearview mirror.

"Oh, that," explained Alex. "My brother Mike gave that to me as a Global Warming Day present the year we got nine feet of snow."

"Was that unusual?" asked Luv2.

"No," replied Alex. "He gives me shit all the time."

"I meant about the snow."

"No. We get that shit all the time, too."

It still seems like a very small pig skin, thought Luv2, but he decided not to pursue it any further, for now ....
134.) Swamp Fox - 11/07/2020
Eventualy, the two pulled up to the police station and ....
135.) Swamp Fox - 11/07/2020
...made their way through the crowd of mostly peaceful protestors throwing molotov cocktails and swinging baseball bats.


(Alex always kept a few molotov cocktails and ball bats behind the seat for just such occasions.)

Eventually, the pair found themselves in the lobby of the station where the desk sergeant took one look at them, glanced at a couple of posters on the wall, and adjusted his belly around his gun belt. Ready for action, he rolled his eyes.

"What can I do for you felllas?" he asked nonchalantly, he hoped. He'd heard about these two characters from his brother occifers, and was dreading the reply.

Luv2 answered spunkily.

"We're just here to ... "
136.) bluecat - 11/08/2020
see about getting my bike out of the compound. "

"You two bagworms have already put my officers through hell. They come back smelling like crap and ask to be put on desk duty. What the hell were you doing in those woods with a bicycle?"

"Bowhunting"

"Bowhunting? There ain't been a decent buck killed in them mountains for 25 years."

Luv2's ears started to burn.

"Just give me my bike, fatso and shut your donut hole."

The next thing Luv2 heard was the sound of the cell door being closed.

"Welcome to your new home ladies."

And with that the officer, who was not racist and mostly peaceful, left Alex and Luv2 to enjoy their "alone time".

"Another fine mess you've gotten us into.", said Alex

"What time is dinner? I'm starved." Luv2 said unfazed.
137.) bluecat - 11/09/2020
Luv2 settled in comfortably and was already busy tidying up and crafting Christmas presents from materials found around the cell. He made a nice shank from one of the bed springs, a decorative swan out of some bloody sheets and was now working on a chess set. He just needed the proper stone chisel and maybe a poster of Farah or Rita to help bide the time. It reminded him of his knitting group he formed back at home. The ladies would come over every Saturday afternoon and quilt or knit while Luv2 learned the craft and told stories of his adventures in the woods. They were always so excited to imagine Luv2 roughing it out in the woods while drinking their spiced cider and making plans for the upcoming Christmas. Always so much to do.

Just then the cell door opened and in walked...
138.) bluecat - 11/09/2020
one of the guards.

"Which on of you is the bowhunter?"

"We both are." They said in unison.

"Do you think you can show me how to do it? Sheriff said its okay for you to get your bow if you don't make any sudden movements."

So the guard and girls all paraded out to Alex's jacked up rig with the Bernie and "Imagine Whirled Peas" stickers. Luv2 picked up his Bear Whitetail II and showed it to the guard.

"So show me how it works."

Luv2 drew back and was at full draw.

"What's this doo hickey here." said the guard pointing at the clicker mechanism Luv2 had installed.

Luv2 adjusted the bow so he could see what the guard was looking at. Luv2 put his face down close to the shelf. At this point he lost control over the bow and had to let down. Unfortunately his head got caught between the string and the control cables. So now Luv2's head was completely sandwiched between the strings and he was unable to do anything but gasp. He was wearing the Bear Whitetail II as a necklace.

There was a few minutes of panic as both the guard and Alex were wrenching on the bow and Luv2 trying to extricate him from his predicament. After his head slid through with some scraping on the ears the guard said.

"I think I've seen enough."

He marched them right back to the cell, closed the door and said dinner was in half an hour.

"Hope you like beans."
139.) Swamp Fox - 11/10/2020
"Ha! I *luv* beans!" Luv2 shouted after him defiantly. "I luv beans so much they made me president of the Pennsylvania Pootin' Association's Chili and Cabbage afilliate!"

Alex just shook his head, but his ribs were starting to hurt. "So you're PaPA CaCa?"

He nearly screamed. He couldn't stand it any more. He dropped to the floor, beating the ground when he wasn't holding his sides, laughing uncontrollably.
140.) Swamp Fox - 11/10/2020
It was Luv2's turn to shake his head.

"Seriously,man.You're a disgrace to the bowhunting community."

Alex flinched. He'd heard that somewhere before. But before he could put his finger on it, the guard returned with another man dressed in a dark rumpled suit and a wide, flat-brimmed black hat.

"Meet the Giggle Twins," the guard said to the man with a smirk. I mean the guard had a smirk, not the man. The man had a briefcase.

"Girls, meet your lawyer. Joachim Gemutlichkeit. Also known around these parts as Happy Jack."

And with that the guard walked away ...
141.) Swamp Fox - 11/10/2020
"I'll have you boys out in a jiffy. You can call me JG if you'd like."

"I knew a JC from Wisconsin a while back," Luv2 reminisced, getting a dreamy look in his eye. You still couldn't see what was going on in the other eye. "Any relation?"

"Not that I'm aware of," replied the lawyer, lawyerly. "But if there were, I keep a general disclaimer on me at all times," he chuckled.


"Good idea," replied Luv2. "I hear that one's a real shooter for everyday carry. If I ever get my concealed weapons permit, I might just pick me up one of those."

Civil War buff that he was, Luv2 was pretty sure General Disclaimer had been a Union artillery officer known for bringing small mountain howitzers to knife fights, and that a 14 oz. 10mm pistol had been named in his honor. He hoped no one had torn down his statue, wherever it was.
142.) Swamp Fox - 11/10/2020
"What are we charged with?" asked Alex, whose head had begun shaking again. He hoped it would stop eventually on its own.

"General nuisancery and polluting a public space with foul odors," Happy Jack replied, referring to his papers. "At least they don't think one of you is a witch," he muttered under his breath.

"What's that?" Luv2's ears perked up. In addition to the Civil War, Luv luvved anything that might lead to burning someone at the stake---himself excluded, of course.

"Oh, last week the sheriff caught a little girl running an unlicensed lemonade stand and things spiraled out of control when she threatened to turn him into a newt if he shut her down. He tried to taze her but she got the drop on him and clocked him so hard with the lemonade pitcher he thought he saw the Hawaiian Punch guy calling him toward the light..."

"Does anyone know if the Kool-Aid Pitcher guy is gay?" wondered Luv2 aloud.
143.) Swamp Fox - 11/10/2020
" ...'Cause he looks gay..." Luv2 explained truculently when he realized everyone was staring at him.
144.) Swamp Fox - 11/10/2020
"So what's the strategy?" Alex asked the lawyer. He wondered how much head shaking it took to knock your brain off its stem.

"Well, I'm just gonna file some papers and have you boys released to my custody. I doubt they'll let you go on your own recognizance since you both claim to be bowhunters looking for a decent buck up in those hills ...There hasn't been a decent buck up there in 25 years. So the mental illness thing is gonna be a little bit of a challenge, but I think we can make something work..."

"And if you can't?" Alex asked, worried that if he could't get home on time one of his ferrets was going to chew through a cable for lack of ferret food and crash the site again.

The last time that had happened he begged his wife to just go down in the basement where he had all the servers and gizmos and secret emails from Hillary and the deep pit with the rope and the basket and just put out a bowl of pellets and make sure there was water, but she just shuddered and made him sleep on the couch for a week for even suggesting such a thing.
145.) Swamp Fox - 11/10/2020
"If I can't," answered Happy Jack with a wry smile, "you fellas will just have to bust your way out of here like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid."

"And we all know what happened to them," gulped Alex.

"Oh, Fiddle-dee-dee!" exclaimed Luv2 derisively, and batted his eyelashes.

"I have a plan," he announced, "and it centers around this:"

And with that Luv2 reached down into the front of his pants and pulled out ...
146.) Swamp Fox - 11/10/2020
A can of Buck Bomb; Flavor: Donut
147.) Swamp Fox - 11/10/2020
"What are you doing with that down your pants?" Alex whispered incredulously.

"I've been keeping it there til I can think of a good Mae West joke about it. It's been a couple of years. I'm not sure they even make this stuff anymore."

"No, I meant I thought you weren't into scents and stuff."

"I'm not, as you can tell from my current [I]parfum[/I]," Luv2 answered, presenting himself and the air around him with a theatrical downward sweep of his upturned palms.

Alex wasn't quite sure, but he thought Luv2 might have almost curtsied.

"But I saw it in Walmart and couldn't resist."

"Did he just curtsy?" Alex whispered to Happy Jack while Luv2 was otherwise focused in a struggle to get the cap off the Buck Bomb.

"I would call it more of a dramatic flourish or dip," whispered the lawyer back.

Alex turned to look at this man more closely.

"Where did you go to law school? You weren't an English major were you? Ever work in public relations?"

"I have had a full and varied life," Happy Jack answered evasively, and Alex noticed a twinkle in his eye. Actually, both eyes.
148.) bluecat - 11/10/2020
"You know", Luv2 started, "there's an elephant in the room."

Alex and Mr. Bubble, Alex's pet name for lawyer man, quickly surveyed the room to see such a sight.

"Not literally, you baffoons." Luv2 said emphatically.

"I know who you are because of the rodent you wear on your head."

There was a moment of silence as Alex gathered it all in.

"You know I'm the webmaster?"

"It all adds up, the rat on your head, the jammed up threads, the years of silence.", Luv2 proudly announced.

Just then Luv2 accidently activated the buck bomb and it shot from his hands and put a fog in the air that was quickly overtaking the cell.

"Fire!" shouted Mr. Bubble. Quickly the guard was at the cell door and opened it. "Run for your lives!", he said. "Something smells good though! I may stick around."

"This is our chance," stated Mr. Bubble. And the three stooges bolted out of the cell door. About half way down the hall Luv2 ran back to the cell to gather up the decorative swan he made. He thought it would look good on the corner of the credenza in his office. Together with the cactus he got from Aunt Millie and the zen garden he stole from Salvation Army it would create a nice two-level effect.

Once outside, Luv2 and Alex jumped in Alex's sweet ride and threw a rooster tail spray of rock and gravel over Mr. Bubble who was crouched down in the fetal position with his fingers in his ears trying to shield himself from the violent storm of debris raining over him and soften the deafening volcano-like eruptions roaring out of the El Camino.

Alex rolled down the window as he took a lap around Mr. Bubble and yelled, "Smell ya later corncob". And with that, in a cloud of mostly blue smoke, Luv2 and Alex were on the road again.
149.) bluecat - 11/10/2020
Once on the road, Luv2 sank back in the bucket seat that was stained from various fast food restaurant fare. A lot had happened in the hour that they had spent in the pokey. Luv2 was coming to grips with his near death experience he had had while his head was scissored in his bow. The string cut off blood flow in his carotid artery and he lost conciousness temporarily. What seemed like a moment in earth time was a lifetime in the hereafter.

He remembered seeing a bright light through the darkness. He'd heard ethereal music playing. He couldn't be sure if he'd heard the music before but it did remind him of his favorite band, "The Bay City Rollers". As he traveled toward the light he found himself in a large cavernous white room. As he stood in the room he noticed social distancing signs and stickers on the floor with various directives and a bank of vending machines stocked with full-size candy bars and not the cheap dime-size crap you get at Halloween. He saw an elevator that only went down and had a "I Voted For Hillary" sticker on the button. It didn't make sense but that's not important right now. He looked up and saw a man seated at a throne, more of a comfy chair really. The man had a long purple flowing robe and some Air Jordan's on.

"Welcome my son!"

"Who are you?" Luv2 stammered.

"I'm your father."

"Dad?"

"Your heavenly father.", irritated.

"Oh."

"Do you really know all?" Luv2 asked while averting his eyes from the great presence.

"Of course."

"Do you remember when you were", God paused and made air quotes, "[I]learning[/I] about yourself in your closet?"

"Yes"

"I was there."

"You were there?"

"Yes"

God resumed, "Do you remember when you threw that bag of shit on your second grade teacher's porch because you were in love with her?"

"Yes", Luv2 said while blushing.

"I was there." God said reassuringly.

"What else do you know?" Luv2 slowly asked.

"I know that there hasn't been a decent buck killed in them mountains for 25 years."

Just then Luv2's head slammed on the dashboard, as Alex slammed on the brakes, bringing him back to reality .

"Dip cone time!"
150.) bluecat - 11/11/2020
They sat in the parking lot at Dairy Queen eating their dip cones. Luv2 had dribbled most of it down his front and on the interior.
"We really need to get cleaned up.", Alex stated. "We smell like an outhouse."
"There's a YMCA up the road I think."
So with that, the two made their way to the front desk.
"We need to take some showers." Luv2 told the clerk.
The clerk gave them some towels and told them where the locker room was.
Luv2 stripped down and put his clothes in the temporary locker. As he was standing in the shower he could hear a police scanner.
"They're in the locker room."
"10-4", the patrolman, who was not racist and mostly non-violent said.
Luv2 was trapped. He couldn't go back to the locker room for his clothes as they would arrest him. He sneaked out the other way and saw a man changing his infant's diapers. He saw a big box of Huggies. Luv2 grabbed one of the Huggies and slipped it on. It didn't fit of course as it was way too big. A quick adjustment on the tabs and Luv2 was back in business. He sprinted out the fire door and ran across the field.

"Man in diaper, halt!"
151.) bluecat - 11/12/2020
Although Luv2 was fast he wasn't as fast as ol' Lucky, the precinct's best German Shepherd, who easily turned Luv2 into his own personal soup bone. The decision to use less lethal was highlighted in Luv2's lengthy rap sheet.

[I]Use less lethal, cries like a girl. Runner.[/I]

They shackled his feet and hands and loaded him in the paddy wagon. Alex was still back at the YMCA in the steam room with the fellas and outlining the prepping lifestyle to his captive audience.

During the ride downtown a call came in that someone was harassing the tigers at the circus.

"We'll be right there.", said Sgt. Anderson Pooper, the towns most prominent democrat. "Right after we put some more 'Defund the Police' signs out."

Once at the circus, the two officers abandoned the squad car in search of the tiger tickler. Luv2 saw his chance. He saw a pod of elephants being led into the venue by the circus clown 'Chuckles Schumardi'. He quickly jumped out and bunny hopped to the elephants and gained entrance into the civic center underneath them.

Once inside he spied a giant cannon. He was able to insert himself in the barrel. Now he was safe. Luv2 had caught a break.

Luv2 was suddenly aware that the cannon was being rolled out onto the floor of one of the rings.

The ringmaster over the PA system announced, "Now we will shoot a bowling ball across the rings and into the target."
Then a bowling ball rolled down on Luv2's head.

The house lights were dimmed and Luv2 could smell smoke.
BOOM
The force of the gunpowder propelled Luv2 skyward, up, up, beyond the trapeze artists, he sailed. The crowd gasped at the sight of a man shackled and clothed only in diapers flying across the arena.

The real tragedy was that Luv2's wife was in the audience with their youngest daughter.
"Mom, is that dad?" Mrs. Luv2 covered her face to hide from the embarrassment and to shield herself from the media flash bulbs.

Now a bowling ball has a lower drag coefficient than a diapered and flailing human being so you wouldn't expect Luv2 to land where the bowling bowl would land. He didn't make it as far as the bullseye. He did make it to the llama pen where they were collecting all the circus dung for the towns tulip club.

Luv2 landed in the giant pile headfirst.
152.) bluecat - 11/12/2020
The narrator wants it known that no llamas were injured or harmed during the event.
153.) Swamp Fox - 11/13/2020
"The good news," thought Luv2, "is that deer do not recognize the smell of llama dung, so I should be A-OK if I can get back to the mountain [large hill]."

With that, he quickly devised a plan to reunite with Alex and his lifted El Camino, or at least retrieve his ebike, so that he could get back to his hunting area with a few hours to salvage before dark.

He would need to ...
154.) Swamp Fox - 11/13/2020
....vote first, since he had forgotten to make sure he made time to do so on the actual day to vote.

There were so many red-letter days to keep track of ... Senior Discount Day at the Dollar General; Earth Day; Indigenous Peoples Day, Old Folks Thursdays at the Piggly Wiggly (Confederate, but flying under the radar for now)...
155.) Swamp Fox - 11/13/2020
It was hard to remember which day he was supposed to say who should represent him in government ...
156.) bluecat - 11/13/2020
The ride back to the YMCA for Luv2's clothes and to pick up Alex was a solemn one.
"Why do you smell like goat piss.", asked Sgt. Anderson Pooper. "I already know why you smell like llama doody."
"There was an old mean goat that had her way with me in the llama pen."
Sgt. Pooper grinned and nodded, "That must have been nanny Pelosi. She's a foul creature with no soul."
"And no teeth",
said officer Schiff, who's neck was the diameter of a Laddie no.2 pencil.
"You don't look like any of your mugshots", Shifty continued. "Do you normally wear lipstick?"
"That was from a Halloween party." Luv2 shot back.
Both officers glanced at each other then said "right."
"Is there anything you are good at", Sgt Anderson Pooper asked.
"Sewing, needlework, candlemaking, beading and quilting."
"Tell you what, this town's youth organization could use your help if you're willing to do some community service for your crimes. It would be up to the judge of course. Interested?"
Luv2 nodded, he knew he was going to pay dearly for all of this.

"Do you think I could turn on the siren?", Luv2 asked excitedly.
157.) bluecat - 11/13/2020
"No", in unison.

"Can I make a phone call?"

"Make it short", said Shifty.

Luv2 quickly dialed the city's bowling alley.

"Yes, do you have 12 pound balls?"

"Yes", the man answered.

"How do you walk?"
158.) Swamp Fox - 11/15/2020
The ossifers looked at each other.

"Hey, pull over!" exclaimed Luv2 suddenly. "There's a polling place! I need to vote!"

'No!" shouted the cops.

[Later, the Trump campaign cited this very incident as a case of voter suppression which cost him the election, but the Supreme Court declined to hear the case of[I] Luv2 vs. the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania[/I] on the grounds that it had a good beat but you couldn't dance to it ....]
159.) Swamp Fox - 11/15/2020
To make a long story short, Luv2 was soon reunited with his new buddy Alex, his beloved e-bike and his foul-smelling clothes.

The fact that he had a record now and would need to appear in court in 30 days didn't bother him, since there were still a few hours left to hunt when they got back to the large hill.

Luv and Alex devised a plan to hunt a wide creek bottom, which they could access by riding the old Indian trail which spurred off the white people's hiking trail which spurred off the millennials' mountain bike trail that spurred off the hard-core country music fans' horse-riding trail which spurred off the greatest generations' birdwatching trail which spurred off the cubicle-dwelllers' dog-walking trail.

It seemed like a good plan, until ...
160.) Swamp Fox - 11/16/2020
They were lapped by a chubby twenty-something girl with a ponytail, who was desperately trying to scale back the Covid 19 to maybe the Covid 14, which unfortunately was already on top of the Sophomore 10, which--Yay!-- was down from the Freshman 15 but had never gone away, no matter how much lite beer she drank or how much she tried to learned to cook stuff that didn't come out of a box.

Still, the pair motored on. They discovered they both enjoyed singing the old song [I]Daisy Bell[/I], and they giggled every time the line about "no oats or hay" came around.





161.) Swamp Fox - 11/16/2020
Eventually, they neared their destination, and ...
162.) bluecat - 11/16/2020
Luv2 realized he'd left his release somewhere.

"Can you take me into town to buy a new release."

"Seriously? Good Lord. Hunt much?"

So Alex reluctantly agreed to take Luv2 into town to buy a release.

As they were driving along suddenly Luv2 said. "Pull over!"

"Huh?" answered Alex.

"Pull over here."

They pulled into a spot in front of "Madame Sophies Fortune Telling and Tire Alignment Shop."

"I want to get my fortune."

Luv2 had suffered a serious hit to his Mojo. He needed a little spiritual direction.

"I'm going to stay in the car and read the new September edition of [I]Prepper Times[/I].", stated Alex.

"You'd think a magazine devoted to prepping for disasters wouldn't be so delayed in publication." said Luv2 bewildered.

"Delayed, this is the September 2021 publication. It's all about the future."

"Don't you think that it is really a present day edition with a future date printed on it?", asked Luv2.

Alex thought for a minute and then pointed back at the magazine, "But this goes to September 2021."
163.) bluecat - 11/16/2020
Luv2 entered the hallowed sanctuary that was Madame Sophies. He went through the beaded doorway and into a room that smelled of incense and illuminated only with candles. In the room was a table with a large crystal ball. After several moments Madame Sophie entered. Luv2 thought she reminded him of Cher in her Gypsie Tramps and Thieves video, if Cher was 4' 6'' tall, short grey hair, didn't lick her lips and was older than the cryptkeeper. Madame Sophie motioned for Luv2 to be seated. It was deathly quiet in the room except for the impact wrench and the Christian rock coming from the other side of the cinderblock wall.

Madame Sophie took a deck of tarot cards and dealt them all on the table. The cards looked a little different than typical tarot cards Luv2 thought. They were odd sizes and colors. Sophie layed out all the cards, stared at them for a moment and then collected them all again, shuffled and redealt. That's odd thought Luv2. This process repeated several times as Sophie dealt and redealt the deck. Finally, the cards were layed out to her satisifaction. Sophie put up two bony jeweled fingers indicating that he needed to pick two. Luv2 took two cards and handed them to her. One of them was the Queen of Cups, the other was a deed for Baltic Avenue.

After several moments Madame spoke for the first time.

"Have you considered upgrading to a Hoyt?"

Luv2 was aghast and couldn't believe what he'd just heard.

"What else do you see?", Luv2 asked.

Madame cleared her throat, touched several cards and in a low whisper said, "There won't be a decent buck killed in them mountains for another 25 years."

Luv2 shook it off and asked, "But what do you see in [I]my[/I] future?"

After a long pause, Sophie said, "Not much. I do accept tips."

Luv2 dug into his pocket, threw a couple of singles and a tootsie roll wrapper on the table and ran out the door.

Alex fired up the El Camino and away they went. On the road again.
164.) Swamp Fox - 11/17/2020
^^^LOL^^^


"So, what did she say?" asked Alex, not sure if he really wanted the answer.

"She said, 'It is decidedly so.'"

"That's not a fortune! That's a Magic 8 Ball answer! What did you ask her?"

Luv2 shrugged. "Maybe you should have come in with me if you're not clairvoyant."
165.) Swamp Fox - 11/17/2020
They drove on in resentful silence, until they came to a crossroads with a volunteer fire station on one side and Ray's Fresh Meats, Canned Goods and Essential Outdoor Supplies catty-cornered across from it.

This looked like where they needed to be.

Alex wheeled the El Camino into the lot, briefly considering blocking the gas pump in case they needed to make a quick getaway. How many people would get gas at Ray's, anyway?, he asked himself.

(Turns out the answer is "Quite a lot" considering Saturdays were Chili Cheese Dog Days at Ray's and there was almost always a line in front of that heat box that kept the red wieners warm on top of the counter, near the lottery tickets and packs of BC powder.)
166.) Swamp Fox - 11/17/2020
But that wasn't important right now.

What was important was getting in and out of here in the fastest time with the least fuss and the lowest level of chaos, Alex reckoned. That meant he would have to minimize Luv2's involvement.

Taking charge, he walked right up to the guy who must have been Ray, judging by his not-fresh butcher's apron, large belly, and the .45 on his hip.

"I'm looking for a sweet release," said Alex, and Ray glanced at Luv2, who was lifting all the lids on the warmer and inspecting the viscous chili and the slightly mushy diced onions and making wisecracks about the semi-melted cheese.

"I don't blame you," replied Ray, looking back at Alex and eyeing him sympathetically. "You hunting with that dude?"

"Yeah, but before you say it, I've already heard there hasn't been a decent buck killed in these mountains in 25 years."

"I could put a bullet in your head or run you through the knock box ... Your choice," answered Ray, nonchalantly cleaning some grime from under his fingernails with a box cutter.
167.) Swamp Fox - 11/17/2020
At this point Luv2 quit playing with the food and sauntered over.

"I'm a bowhunter," he declared to Ray. "I'm looking for a sweet release."

"There's a massage parlor a couple of miles down the road on the right," Ray replied without looking up from his nails,"but I expect most of the the girls are over at the firehouse right now, this being Saturday."

"Is the massage parlor closed on Saturdays?" Luv2 asked. He wasn't sure why he wanted this information, but he thought he'd make polite conversation for a change.

"No, Lola's probably sitting around the house down there. She don't eat spaghetti on account of she's already a big girl. When she sits around the house," winked Ray, "she really sits *around* the house."
168.) Swamp Fox - 11/17/2020
"Spaghetti?" inquired Luv2, his interest piqued.He made a mental note to pass the information about Lola on to his virtual bowhunting buddy bluecat. No one knew what on bluecat was blue or how he got that way, but Luv2 was sure it was an interesting story.

"Yeah," said Ray, "Saturdays are Prince Spaghetti Night at the firehouse."

"I thought that was Wednesdays in North Boston," countered Alex.

"You got a lot of Eye-talians around here?" prodded Luv2 suspiciously.

Now, finally, appeared someone to blame for the poor hunting in this neck of the woods, besides the Pennsylvania Game Commission for releasing those coyotes and the herd of mountain lions, that is.
169.) Swamp Fox - 11/17/2020
Ray, whose great-grandmother got off the boat from Naples and became a stone mason building dams and mausoleums from New Haven to Philadelphia when she wasn't baking lasagna and rolling spicy meatballs, felt his left eye twitch.

He noticed Luv2's eye for the first time.

"Lemme show you what we have for you over here in our Special Needs section," said Ray, and led the pair over to the far wall.

Explained Luv2, "I'm looking for a release that ...."
170.) bluecat - 11/17/2020
"is crisp but not too light, soft but not mushy, made of light weight machined anodized aluminum with a single stainless steel moveable jaw - has a 360 degree swivel head that folds back and out of the way so you can still use your hand - has a buckle strap rather than velcro and made of a tough synthetic material that doesn't retain scent - has an adjustable barrel, is camoflauged, with a straight short trigger pull and puts your finger forward of the jaws - has a roller sear mechanism that is smooth as a babies butt and comes with a lifetime guarantee."

"What you want is the Scott Wildcat. They are really nice.", said Ray sucking on a toothpick.

"I don't see them on the shelf anywhere.", said Luv2 scanning back and forth.

"We are out.", said Ray.

"Well then I would like an anodized aluminum two-caliper release with a big adjustable barrel made in all black.

"Ah yes!", said Ray, finally showing some interest. "The tried and true mongoose."

"I'll take one of those.", said Luv2.

"Let me check.", said Ray shuffling through some items on the shelf.

"Out of those too.", said Ray.

"Do you have any releases at all?", queried Luv2.

"Of course!", said Ray. "We are an outdoor shop."

"Show me what you have.", said Luv2 irritated.

"Actually we don't carry any releases.", said Ray looking blankly at Luv2 while moving a piece of meat from one tooth to another.

When things had come to a complete grinding halt, Luv2 spied a pink princess Barbie bow package hanging on a hook in the corner and pointed to it.

"Does that come with a release?", asked Luv2.

"Sure, how would you shoot an arrow without a release?", asked Ray blinking twice and deciding to swallow the newly freed meat from his rotten teeth.

"I'm sure your daughter will love it.", Ray continued.

Luv2 lowered his one good eye and tried to make sense of what had just happened and said, "I'll take it."

Luv2 took the miniature Barbie bow package, a bag of tootsie rolls and one hot dog that looked like a piece of brown rubber that had been on the display roller for months and headed out the door with Alex in tow.

"Remind me to make an appointment with the Mayo Clinic.", Luv2 stated once again.
171.) bluecat - 11/18/2020
Luv2 and Alex drove along in silence. It had been a rough outing for sure. As Luv2 sat in the bucket seat full of candy wrappers, melted Twizzlers, bits of cheeseburger and cracker crumbs, he saw blue lights up ahead.
There were First Responders everywhere you could see. As they neared the confusion, it appeard to Luv2 that someone was trapped under a vehicle while attempting to change a flat tire. There was an officer who came up to the window and asked if they had anything they could use as a pry bar.

They quickly thought and Alex turned to Luv2, "What about your Bear WhiteTail II?"

"That might work.", although Luv2 didn't want to mar the finish.

So Luv2 grabbed the Bear bow and followed the officer to the car in the nearby ditch. There was an older woman with ginger hair lying on her back and the car chassis was seated on her chest. The jack had buckled as she had used the car panel to hold the jack instead of the car's frame. She was writhing around and could barely speak.

"Tina, this is officer Hale and we are going to try and get you out. Be calm as we attempt to lever you out."

Luv2 handed officer Hale (who was not racist and only occasionally violent) the Bear WhiteTail II.
Officer Hale looked at the bow and then looked at Luv2. He didn't say anything but you could tell he wanted to. He thrust the bow between the chassis and pavement and leaned back. The bow flexed and shattered into a million pieces.

"Damn, exclaimed officer Hale. Have you got anything else?", while looking at Luv2.

Luv2 thought, there was the princess Barbie bow. Luv2 ran back to the El Camino and grabbed the pink compound and handed it to officer Hale.

Officer Hale shouted, "Bob can you give me a hand?"

Officer Denver began assisting Officer Hale in positioning the Barbie bow in place. Finally when everything was situated, Officer Hale said, "Okay, let's give it a try."

The bow flexed mightly and the chassis sprung up and Tina was able to roll out of the way.

"Excellent" Officer Hale shouted, only to be joined by fellow officers Wells, Backus and Schwartz in celebration.

"That little bow sure did the trick. You carry that in your trunk always?"

"No, I'm bowhunting up in the mountains."

"Those hills?", asked officer Hale was pointing to the slight hump on the horizon.

"There ain't been a decent..."

"I know, said Luv2 cutting him off mid sentence. "I know."

"Well anyway, thank you fellers for helping out."

"We've done all we can do here." said Alex.

The El Camino roared to life and they were on the road again.
172.) Swamp Fox - 11/18/2020
'You know what would be weird?" asked Luv2 eventually.

"If we would actually get to hunting?" queried Alex back.

"No. That's not important right now. I was just thinking of a cheese shop that didn't have any cheese... That would be weird."

"What planet are you on?" asked Alex, but before Luv2 could answer, his phone rang...
173.) bluecat - 11/19/2020
"Honey, are you okay?"

"Yeah", said Luv2 slowly.

"Are you at the circus or hunting?", sternly.

Luv2 knew he'd been busted immediately.

"I know it was you because I saw the 'Lucky Ducky' tattoo on your calf as you flew by the grandstand. The 6 o'clock news team is in our front yard. My mom is on the other line in tears. Your daughter won't come out of her room. I'm having an optic migraine. You want to maybe explain yourself?"

"Can't talk now, there is a big buck coming down the path.", said Luv2.

"There hasn't been a decent buck..."

'Click'. Luv2 closed his flip phone.

"Who was that?" asked Alex.

"Crank call", said Luv2. "Feel like barbecue?"
174.) bluecat - 11/20/2020
"Not really, I feel like getting back out there. No stops this time, we're heading back."

"But I have to pee.", stammered Luv2.

"Had your chance awhile ago.", Alex retorted.

Luv2 spied a couple of Snapple bottles rolling around on the floorboards. "I'll use these."

Now Snapple bottle openings are not that big so it was a perfect match for Luv2 who promptly filled two bottles and capped them off. "Much better.", he said.

After about 15 minutes, the dulcid tones of a police motorcycle filled the air.

"El Camino, pull over!", came from the motorcycle's loudspeaker.

Alex pulled over to the side of the road. The officer approached the vehicle.

"Hey, I don't know if you realize this but there is a Barbie bow on your car roof."

Luv2 remembered setting it up there and forgot to put it in the back.

As the officer was speaking he was eyeing the overfilled Snapple bottles.

"You boys wouldn't be disguising your beer in those Snapple bottles would you?"

"No sir", they both said in unison.

"I didn't know apple juice had a foamy head on it."

Both Alex and Luv2 sat in silence unable to tell him the truth.

"I'm allergic to beer." Luv2 said quickly.

Luv2 was proud of himself for thinking so quickly on his feet.

"Better take a swig of that in front of me then." said the officer.

Luv2 had no choice in the matter and quickly downed the first bottle while gnawing on the brown rubber hot dog.

"I love my apple juice." said Luv2 trying to hold back the gagging sensation of the warm salty liquid.

"Fair enough.", said officer Russell Johnson. "You are free to move about the country."
175.) crookedeye - 11/22/2020
did i ever tell you guys the time i was wearing my racoon hat and that owl attack me?
176.) Swamp Fox - 11/23/2020
LOL ....
177.) Swamp Fox - 11/23/2020
Parking in the lot at the base of the hill, the boys noted that the El Camino and the Miata had some company this afternoon. Several new and new-ish pickups had joined the fray. One Chevy with Washington plates had his- and her- bow racks and Browning logos in the back window, and there was a 1985 S-10 Blazer with no plates defiantly sporting a "Goat Ropers Need Love Too" bumper sticker and a spare tire ratcheted to the roof, safari style.

Luv2 also noticed that the 1968 VW Beetle with the "Go Huskers!" decal in the back window and the forkhorn skull plate wired to the front bumper was still parked over in the far corner.

That guy knows how to live, Luv thought to himself, and he explained to Alex that the gas gauge was e-lectronic on the '68 for the first time, rather than cable-activated, though he thought that for sentimental reasons he might rather have a '67 again, even though you had to gas it up by opening the trunk, which had caused him some embarrassment a few times when he'd had onlookers.
178.) Swamp Fox - 11/23/2020
"Why me, Lord?" Alex questioned himself as the pair e-biked up the trail once again.

This time they had devised a slightly different plan. Luv2 would once again try hunting from his saddle while Alex would ...
179.) Swamp Fox - 11/24/2020
,,,,try to fix the mega [B]Deerminator's Friday Music Videos Thread [/B]on the forum, since that was like the Mona Lisa of all forum music threads and everything else paled by comparison.

[url]http://forums.huntingcountry.com/forums/showthread.php?299-Friday-music-vids&highlight=music+thread[/url]



It was probably an easy fix, the narrator thought, unless The Administration was just completely not paying attention or was actively trying to censor Charlie Daniels videos.

These days, though, anything was possible, including ...
180.) Swamp Fox - 12/22/2020
that --after four weeks--- the Administration was definitely not paying attention even if they did want to censor videos...
181.) Swamp Fox - 12/22/2020
The boys biked to an area Luv2 had scouted earlier in the year. He'd left an old sweaty T-shirt hanging on a bush so the deer would get used to his scent for when her returned again, and guess what? He had returned!

Parking the ebike behind the bush with the t-shirt, Luv2 directed Alex to set up a ground blind 40 yards to the east while he climbed a large American chestnut ...

Hopefully, he thought, [or was it 'Hopefully he thought' ? ...] this chestnut was not one of those chestnuts that was decaying because of the East Asian blight, but was one that had been cross-bred with the Chinese chestnut tree so as to resist the rot of the kung fu tree flu ...
182.) Swamp Fox - 12/22/2020
But that wasn't important right now ...

Higher and higher he climbed, until he ran out of steps at 16 feet, but that was okay.

That was more than three times his height in his elevator shoes from the 1970s, and he'd done okay back then ...
183.) bluecat - 12/22/2020
Luv2 climbed up the tree using the same hairy vines that gave him his itchy rashes. Luv2's memory was short but he did know that he was going to have to face the music when he got back to civilization. There would be the humiliation, the grounding, the sleeping on the couch, the revoking of hunting privilages and the endless honey do's. He remembered when he started years ago - a young, proud, adventurous, skilled woodsmen. Now he was a cowering nitwit swinging from a tree while covered in fecal matter and running from johnny law. He just kept going to his happy place which was standing in line at the Harrisburg convention center in hopes of meeting one of the Drury brothers. Life was so much simpler then.
184.) Swamp Fox - 12/27/2020
However, a peaceful easy feeling settled over him as he realized he was right where he belonged: low in a young Pennsylvania gum tree of no discernible value to wildlife ...


He thought of the Eagles song, and how much better he had it than ...
185.) Swamp Fox - 12/28/2020
Yoko Ono or Glenn Frey, or even Wild Bob, since he'd never be accused of breaking up a great band ....
186.) Swamp Fox - 12/28/2020
It was true that there were other charges against him, but that wasn't important right now.

At least that's what he told himself ....


He wondered how Alex was getting along, building his ground blind 40 yards away ...
187.) Swamp Fox - 12/28/2020
He got out his Maven binoculars, which had been highly recommended on every forum he was active on. He wondered why he had never really seen much about them on HuntingCountry.com, but then remembered he wasn't very active there ....

He scanned the woods for signs of Alex's ground blind. Despite his best efforts, he could not see it. He did, however, spot Alex looking back at him through some Nikon Monarchs. Those had been another re-gift from Brother Mike, but Alex felt they were a pretty nice step up from his old Tascos, so he had not sold them on ebay yet, although he told himself he needed to check his notifications when he got home ....
188.) Swamp Fox - 12/28/2020
Luv2 decided he would send Alex a text. After all, what was the point of having a perfectly concealed ground blind if you yourself were eminently spottable?

He felt he should warn Alex that he was doing everything wrong.



Quietly, and with as little arm-waving and head-jerking as possible, Luv2 deliberated how he should word his message ....
189.) Swamp Fox - 12/29/2020
He decided to be cruel, but fair.

"Dear Numbnutz," he began. "Just wanted to let you know that ..."
190.) Alex - 12/29/2020
so glad I have left these forums up.
191.) bluecat - 12/29/2020
[QUOTE=Swamp Fox;62613]He decided to be cruel, but fair.

"Dear Numbnutz," he began. "Just wanted to let you know that ..."[/QUOTE]

"I can smell you from here. I can also see you but ...wow! You might consider using the EverCalm or rub some dirt on you. Anything."
192.) Swamp Fox - 12/29/2020
[QUOTE=Alex;62614]so glad I have left these forums up.[/QUOTE]

LOL ....


Thanks, Alex. We do appreciate it.

Besides, it keeps us off the streets. :wink

:wave:
193.) Swamp Fox - 12/29/2020
Alex looked at his phone incredulously. The flashlight was on again. He hadn't even touched it! What was weird was that when he DID want to use the flashlight, he couldn't make it happen.

"Damn technology," he muttered, and noticed he had a text from Luv2.

He read the text quickly even though Luv2 had pecked it out very slowly, almost draining his battery as he struggled with the punctuation and capitalization.

Alex felt his head getting hot, and it wasn't just because of the rabbit on top of it. The anger began to boil inside him like a ....
194.) bluecat - 12/29/2020
burnt roux.

"You're a fine one to be talking bout stink!", he shouted with fists in the air.

"I've spent all day followin' you around and trying to get in some huntin'. Don't you have a shovel to lean on?"

With that, Luv2 threw part of his rotten liverwurst sandwich in Alex's direction and yelled, "You want some of this?"

Alex laughed and said, "I don't throw down with girls with pink bows. Just your mom."

Luv2 was already out of the gum tree and heading up to Alex for an ass beating.

"We'll see about that.", said Luv2 under his breath.

What followed next was a fight reminiscent of two 7th grade girls in gym class - a lot of screaming, hair pulling, name calling and crying.

After a few minutes both collapsed on the ground completely exhausted and couldn't move. They had gotten it all out.
195.) bluecat - 12/29/2020
After a little tickle fight, a ghost story and a promise to talk about girls later, the two retired to their posts.
196.) Swamp Fox - 12/30/2020
Unbelievably, all the commotion had attracted the attention of three Pennsylvania mountain trophy bucks. (You know what I mean.)

The one with three points on one side perked his head up, which caused his younger brother Darryl to nudge his other brother Darryl with his heavy left cowhorn. The three stopped chewing the Keystone Wacky Weed they'd stumbled upon while visiting this remote section of the forest, and listened to these unfamiliar sounds. They stood stock still, their ears straining, but not like a sieve.

The sounds were not far off. Possibly just over the next ridge, which really was just a little hump. It sounded like a couple of does might be over there, slapping and biting the way females do in popular social media videos.

Naturally, the bucks were aroused. Should they leave the Wacky Weed to go investigate, or should they try to lure the girls over to their place using the Wacky Weed as an enticement if their sparkling personalities were not enough?

Of course, the third possibility was to give up does completely as a lost cause, stay there, and just enjoy the weed.

Sometimes, one of the Darryls thought, I wish I had opposable thumbs so I could at least play video games if I not gonna get any ...

Decisions,, decisions ...
197.) bluecat - 12/30/2020
Darryl number one was all jacked up and frothing at the mouth. "Let's run over that hill and breed one of those does. Should we? Can we? Hurry Darryl".

Darryl number two calmly looked at Darryl number one. "Lets walk over there and breed them all."


p.s. Darryl number three was so baked he really didn't know what was going on.



198.) Swamp Fox - 12/31/2020
[QUOTE]LOL ... Youth vs. Experience ... Classic joke... +4

---The Narrator[/QUOTE]


.......
199.) Swamp Fox - 12/31/2020
Darryl Number Two began to mosey in the direction of the commotion, knowing the others would follow. He hadn't grown three points on one side in Pennsylvania by being stupid.

At least that's the point he overheard a fat orange pumpkin make one afternoon while he was bedded down behind the check station. I mean Darryl Number Two was bedded down. The big fat pumpkin was loudly jaw-jacking in the parking lot, trying to educate a skinnier version --he looked more like some kind of squash---as to why neither of them had seen anything that morning.

Darryl Number Two hoped if he showed these other two dummies some females they'd get over the munchies for a while. Maybe they'd stop eating all the acorns and ruining everybody's lives ... Gosh!
200.) bluecat - 12/31/2020
As the three stooges neared the area that had created so much commotion and odd smells they spread out. Darryl Number one began eating the rotten liverwurst sandwich so lovingly thrown at Alex a few minutes prior. Darryl Number two wandered over to Alex's ground blind and began munching on some of the branches.

Perhaps drawn by the clanking sounds of carabiners, pulleys, pitons, linemans belts, harnesses, crampons and screws, Darryl number three (D3) walked over to the mesmerizing site of a man swinging in a tree with his knees tucked in tight and unaware of approaching wildlife as his view was directly facing the gum tree. D3 began farting in Luv2's general direction which alerted Luv2 to D3's presence.

To make the shot, Luv2 would have to shoot left-handed but continue to look through the rubber peep with his right eye. To compensate for the extreme angle, Luv2 would only draw back his Barbie bow half way and time his swings to shoot at the highest point of oscillation and hope that the 22-inch arrow would make it through the foliage.
201.) bluecat - 12/31/2020
Just then Alex's cell phone sounded. Alex had forgotten to mute it or at least put it on vibrate.

"Alex, I think I have a deer workin'", Luv2 whispered.

Alex responded in a robotic voice, "I'm sorry the number you have reached is out of service."

"You bastard.", Luv2 whispered again.
202.) bluecat - 12/31/2020
"I'm going to range him right now." Luv2 said quietly while digging in his pack for the rangefinder.

"What's it mean when the range finder flashes?" Luv2 asked.

"It means it's closer than 10 yards or the batteries are low", Alex stated.
203.) bluecat - 12/31/2020
"I just put in new batteries, so I'm thinking he's close.", Luv2 said.

"Close enough to shoot?", asked Alex.

"I'm thinking so.", answered Luv2 who was busily putting the rangefinder between his legs and readying for the shot.
204.) bluecat - 12/31/2020
As Luv2 reached his highest point, the rangefinder fell out of his lap and hit D3 right on the nose which knocked him unconcious.
205.) bluecat - 01/05/2021
"WTF", texted Luv to Alex who was busily reading an internet article that if he would do one weird thing he would lose some weight and get his sex drive back.

"Did you see that?"

"See what?"

The whole time Alex is texting, D2 is browsing on Alex's ground blind.

"I just dropped a deer.", texted Luv2

"Hey, I think I have one close to me too." Alex texted back.
206.) bluecat - 01/06/2021
Luv2 was standing over D3 taking pictures and texting Alex (D3 wasn't texting or taking pictures, Luv2 was) when D3's eyes began to flutter.

Luv2 jumped back and exclaimed, "Great Caesar's Ghost!" (or whatever they say in the Keystone State)
207.) bluecat - 01/06/2021
Luv2 smartly jumped on D3's back to hold him down not quite knowing what to do. D3 got to his knees and then stood up with Luv2 firmly holding on. Startled by it all, D3 took off into the woods with Luv2 riding him bareback.

"Do something!", Luv2 shouted at Alex as they rode by.

Alex stopped texting long enough to take a couple of pictures on his phone of the sideshow.

"Got it!", yelled Alex. "Merry Christmas, Santa!"

As they rode out of sight, Alex was already uploading the photos to the web.
208.) bluecat - 01/06/2021
Now D1, with all the commotion had long since exited the area. D2, still pretty baked on weed, was still milling around the area. Alex thought that maybe if he could corral D2 he could at least ride him out and go looking for Luv2 which he could faintly hear screaming in the distance.

He walked up to D2 and threw his leg over (Alex threw his own leg not D2's). Once on top, Alex give a little click and the two of them took out looking for Luv2.
209.) bluecat - 01/06/2021
They say you can still hear Luv2 screaming in the woods if you listen carefully. It's a story that has been passed down from generation to generation, lovingly told from grandfather to grandson. If you squint your eyes you can see Luv2 and Alex riding those deer into the sunset. It's a story based on actual events with information gathered from arrest reports, character witness interviews, not racist and mostly peaceful law enforcement officers and waffle house waitresses. The unusual odyssey with Luv2 being shot from a cannon, sprayed by a skunk, arrested multiple times and hung upside down to die until saved by his compatriot Alex is believable. What is not believable is the fact that there were three deer with antlers verified in the Pennsylvania woods that day.

A cairn to the saga has been placed in the woods at the actual site where the two rode off into the sunset, never to be seen again. I mean the cairn is still there, but Luv2 and Alex are mia.

The scripture at the base reads: Upon this day in the Pennsylvania woods three deer were verified with hard protuberances extending from their domes - they weren't decent.

[B]The End[/B]

Note:
No animals were injured during the telling of the story, however, a llama was violated and has since recovered.

Each year, the odyssey is painstakingly re-enacted by period actors on opening day of bowseason. The 18-hour production is called "Luv2's Opening Day". Contact the Lancaster Chamber of Commerce in advance for reservations and ticket information.
210.) Swamp Fox - 01/19/2021
[QUOTE]Is there more to the tale?

NPR brings you news, and a correct perspective.

The Center For Investigative Storytelling is on the case, and invites you to sit in your Miata on the side of the road and listen to one of the lower-number stations for continuing updates and an approved narrative, just like Luv2 does...
[/QUOTE]




:wink